


I love you, and I don’t want too

by loserinhawkins



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Cuddles, F/M, Fluff, Gay, Happy, I’m sad lol, Love, M/M, Reddie, kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23517478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loserinhawkins/pseuds/loserinhawkins
Summary: It was because Eddie knew now. Eddie himself, was a homosexual. A faggot. And it all made sense.When in first grade when Bill's hand brushed Eddie's, causing him to blush. Or whenever that news anchor came on at 6 and Eddie felt a twinge in him stomach, heat radiating through his body. Or Richie. How whenever Richie would hug him, tease him, play chicken fights in the quarry with him, share his ice cream with him, practice his stupid voices with him in Eddie's bedroom, or just be in his presence. Eddie liked Richie. He wanted Richie to hold him, swim with him, sneak through his window every night. He wanted Richie to kiss him. Kiss him until he couldn't breath, until his lips were a bright red. Until Eddie's neck was littered with hickeys. Until Richie's hands were just below-"NO!" Eddie yelled, bolting up straight, hands gripping the toilet seat.OrRichie loves Eddie. Eddie loves Richie. But it turns out navigating feelings is harder then killing an alien space clown.
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Mike Hanlon/Stanley Uris
Comments: 19
Kudos: 59





	1. Realization

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. I’m super excited about this fic and hope you all enjoy. My Reddie depression is really getting to me so this is a good way to help cope and free myself of boredom in quarantine. It’s a multi chapter fic that takes place, before, during and after Pennywise. I will put TW in the notes before hand. Enjoy! As always, comments and kudos appreciated.
> 
> !!TW!! HOMOPHOBIC SLURS

!!THIS IS A MULTI CHAPTER STORY!!  
Eddie Kaspbrak was 12 years old when he heard the word "faggot" for the first time. It was a beautiful day out. The sky was blue, clouds scattered amongst it. It was warm out, but not the type of warm to make you sweat through your shirts and have 3 showers a day. Birds were chirping, grass was greening and the people of Derry were out on the town, enjoying themselves. Spring had sprung, and Bill Denbrough, Stanley Uris and Richie Tozier insisted they all bike downtown and enjoy the weather before school started up again. Eddie's fanny pack, both of them, was fully stocked up and his bike ready to go. He pulled on his shirt and ran down the stairs to go give his ma, Sonia Kaspbrak, a kiss on the cheek before meeting Richie at the corner. He tip toed up to his ma's recliner, careful not to disturb her TV program, when a few words came spitting out of her mouth.  
"Those disgusting faggots. They started this epidemic and the only way to end it is through Jesus himself."  
Eddie was confused to say the least. He knew his mom was talking about the AIDS epidemic going through America, but what were faggots? He could tell the way she said it made it seem rotten and foul. But, he didn't want to seem dumb if his friends ever brought it up and he had no clue what they were talking about. So, he asked.  
"Uh, ma?" Eddie whispered.  
"Yes Eddie-bear?" Sonia replied, swiveling her head around. "Um, what are," Eddie paused, scared of her reaction. "faggots?" Sonia chuckled, an evil look looming in her eyes.  
"Eddie dear, faggots are another word for homosexuals. They think it's their right to marry someone like them. Their disgusting, foul and a terrible influence on you children." Her eyes were stone cold, her face set in a grimace and hands tightly gripping her recliner.  
"When their together, they do things that make them... even dirtier. They are sinners with a one way ticket to hell, you hear me?" She got up out of her seat and stood in front of Eddie. She took her hand, placed it under his chin and made him look into her eyes.  
"You aren't like that. You are my boy who will marry a lovely young women one day, and will always be one with god." She stared at him for a moment's time, then abruptly grabbed her purse and keys.

"I'm going into Bangor for a few hours to see your aunt. I trust you'll be fine by yourself?"  
Eddie was frozen, paralyzed and stuck in his own head with only one thought: Richie. His face was a pale white, eye's rimmed with tears and mouth dry. His head felt on fire, the world spinning.  
"Yeah ma, I'll be fine." He choked out.  
"Good. Take your medication at 11:00 and if you have an asthma attack call me immediately, alright?"  
"Yes ma."  
Sonia kissed him on the head, and was half way out the door when she reminded him of something.  
"No hanging out with that Tozier boy. He's a bad influence on you." She reminded him coldly, and then slammed the door. If she noticed Eddie being distraught, she didn't say anything. Once she was out of the driveway, Eddie's head began spinning 10 times worse. The sky was no longer blue, but a harsh grey, the heat felt like a furnace on his goose-fleshed skin and he felt like he was gonna get sick. He ran to the bathroom, leaning over the toilet clutching his stomach, heaving and crying silent tears.  
It was because Eddie knew now. Eddie himself, was a homosexual. A faggot. And it all made sense.  
When in first grade when Bill's hand brushed Eddie's, causing him to blush. Or whenever that news anchor came on at 6 and Eddie felt a twinge in him stomach, heat radiating through his body. Or Richie. How whenever Richie would hug him, tease him, play chicken fights in the quarry with him, share his ice cream with him, practice his stupid voices with him in Eddie's bedroom, or just be in his presence. Eddie liked Richie. He wanted Richie to hold him, swim with him, sneak through his window every night. He wanted Richie to kiss him. Kiss him until he couldn't breath, until his lips were a bright red. Until Eddie's neck was littered with hickeys. Until Richie's hands were just below-  
"NO!" Eddie yelled, bolting up straight, hands gripping the toilet seat. Tears streamed down his face, as loud sobs racked through his body. He curled up into a ball, heaving and crying until he felt his body had no tears left. He COULDN'T like Richie. He'd go to hell, he'd be judged, all his friends would leave him, his ma. He'd get AIDS and get sick. He'd die. He was 12, he was too young to worry about this stuff. He needed to be a kid. NOT, a faggot. He hated himself now, and if Richie knew, he'd hate Eddie too. So it would be a lifelong secret, no one would need to know.  
After a solid half hour of crying, Eddie had no energy to go out with his friends. He only wanted to go upstairs and sleep his worries away, and never wake up. Eddie sluggishly walked towards the stairs, until he heard a knock at the door. He reluctantly reached for the doorknob, opening it to see none other the Richie Tozier himself, grinning at Eddie.  
"Mornin' Edward Spagedward! How are yer?" Richie said in his Irish Cop voice. Eddie stared at him, dead expression on his face, tears stinging his eyes. Richie's face fell as he noticed the state Eddie was in. His face a pale white and his usually neat hair roughed up. Drool appeared at the corner of his mouth and tear streaks stained his cheeks. Eddie's skin below his fingers was all torn up and bleeding, a nervous habit he had picked up last year.  
"Ed's, you usually look so cute," Richie chuckled, trying to make him smile. "What happened?" Eddie blushed at the compliment, but guilt rang through his body.

"I'm sick. I can't go out with you guys today. Besides, the weather is shitty." "What do you mean, it's gorgeous out?"  
The sky was blue again, and it had cooled down. Eddie looked shocked. Had he just imagined it? Was it all in his head? He needed rest.  
"I'll uh, call you later okay? Have fun." Eddie said and slammed the door. He slowly slumped down against the door, tears flowing once again. He was ruining his friendship with Richie. He was ruining his own life. He had to try, though. Try to be normal.  
Damn you, Richie Tozier.


	2. Idiotic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Here is chapter 2. I'm very pleased with it so far an hope you enjoy as well. I've finally figured out my publishing schedule, which will be Monday, Wednesday and Thursday, with maybe some days skipped but I'll try my best. This is more from Richie's perspective. As always, comments and kudos appreciated!
> 
> !!!TW!!! Mentions of suicide

Richie Tozier was not dumb. He could do algebra, multiplication and exponents. He could do science experiments perfectly and surprisingly good english essays. He was an A + to B+ student. Richie Tozier was not dumb. Therefore, he was fully aware that he was in love with one Eddie Kaspbrak, and very not straight. He also knew he was ashamed and embarrassed. From a young age, maybe as early as 3, his family would regularly attend church every Sunday. The pastor their talked about how homosexuality was a sin and homosexuals go to hell. The funny thing was, the atmosphere at home was completely different. He remembers a specific incident around age 6. 

“Went, I think it would be better if we stopped going. That environment is not good for Richie.” Maggie said as she cut her chicken into small cubes. Wentworth sighed.

“I know. It’s just, Carl and Christie would be extremely disappointed if we stopped attending. I could give a damn about anyone else.” He said sloppily, mouth full of meat. Richie was confused, yet excited. He didn’t like the basement Sunday school was held in, nor the kids he went with. They all looked at him funny and made fun of his glasses. He also left quite upset after multiple homosexual talks or passages they read in the bible. Mainly because of his Uncle John. John Maloney was best friends with Wentworth Tozier. Although not his biological uncle, he was close enough with the family that Richie considered him one. He used to attend church with the Toziers, but when he didn’t show up one day everyone was worried. Especially because his brother, Travis Maloney was the pastor. It was later that evening that Maggie got a call and burst into tears. John had killed himself, and stated in his note that he was indeed, gay. Richie remembers hearing his dad say,

“I couldn’t have gave two shits if he was gay! He was family.” 

He cried a lot after that. Richie was not dumb. He knew what happened to his Uncle and why he did it. Richie was not dumb, even at 6 years old.

After the “passing,” (as the family called it) Maggie and Wentworth made sure Richie knew that they wouldn’t care if Richie had any non-straight friends, although they never brought up the topic of Richie’s sexuality. Still the overall message the town of Derry, every child and nearly every adult gave off was that if you were gay, you’d be dead. So even though no one knew, Richie feared for his life. Everyday. And maybe if Eddie didn’t enter his life, he wouldn’t as much.

Richie Tozier fell in love with Eddie at age 10, after falling and scraping his knee and Eddie came to his aid. They’d known each other for longer, since 7 years old, and were honestly the best of friends. Regardless, Richie loved Eddie. His curly hair, tan skin, slight freckles, short height, sassy attitude, rosy cheeks, soft pink lips and his hypochondria. He loved everything about the boy, and boys in general. He remembers on another occasion, around 11, he stole a certain magazine from the basement of the Denbrough home to see if he was a little gay. He looked at it every night, feeling the blood rush south and shame rack through his body. He always knew he saw guys differently. And now he knew why. And he knew that he was in love with Eddie after certain dreams vividly popping up into his head at night. He’d cry himself to sleep after that. A lot. Either way, Richie couldn’t change no matter how hard he tried. So he gave up on trying and let his heart break everyday since age 10. And he wished the universe would give him a sign, to tell him that Eddie felt the same way. If it did, Richie didn't notice.  
He was destined to pine for Eddie, crave him but always fall short. Always feel shame and guilt for who he was. But, at age 13, (his birthday a month prior) it was a nice Spring day out and an even better day to see Eddie, Stan and Bill. 

“Where the hell is he?” Richie murmured, waiting at the street corner. He was 15 minutes late, and Richie was impatient. He hopped on his bike, and went out to the Kaspbrak residence. As soon as he noticed Sonia’s absent car, he basically sprinted to the front door.

“Mornin’ Edward Spagedward! How are yer?” Richie asked in his irish cop voice. His heart sank into his stomach when he saw the gorgeous boy look absolutely dead, inside and out. Before he could manage a word out, Eddie rambled something about being sick and bad weather. Richie corrected him on the weather, and a ghastly, confused look went over his face. 5 seconds later the door was slammed in his face. Worried and defeated, Richie stood still, a carousel of thoughts in his mind. 

“Did that b of a mother hurt him? Is he actually sick? Is he scared of Bowers?” He thought.  
The most prominent one, was one of guit.

“I just wanted to hold him, kiss all his pain away. Tell him, show him how much I love him. But he doesn’t love me. I can’t” 

Richie Tozier, in this moment, wasn’t dumb. He was idiotic. If he applied the smarts he used in school onto Eddie? He’d see Eddie was just as head over heels. But a closeted boy with multiple stories of fine young girls might not.

Richie must have stood at Eddie’s door for a solid 5 minutes after the initial shock, the scene playing over and over again in his head. Eddie’s face and the look on it when Richie showed up. Did Eddie know? Did he find out? Was he disgusted? He must have been, Richie would be too. He slowly got back onto his bike, limbs feeling like 1000 pound weights and an unsettling feeling pooling in his stomach. His eyes squinted in the bright spring light and his ears began ringing slightly. He felt hot tears perk up behind his eyes and slowly slide down his cheek. Richie let them fall as he began pedaling downtown in the warm sun. He wanted to stay with Eddie more than anything, but was clearly unwanted. He hoped, prayed, begged even that the rest of the afternoon would go smoothly. If Bill could get over Georgie’s disappearance, or even pretend he did, Richie could pretend he wasn’t breaking inside. His friends didn’t need another messed up problem. 

Before he knew it, he was downtown and biking along with Stan and Bill, laughing and yelling. Bill pointed out a gorgeous young girl with long, fiery hair walking down the street with a bag of groceries. 

“Bill, everyone in Derry knows who she is.” Stan deadpanned. 

“Yeah Big Bill, especially Bowers. Apparently they spend all of 7th period banging in the bathroom.” Richie chuckled.

“I d-d-don’t beli-ieve the ru-rumours.” Bill murmerd, shying his eyes away from the other two boys. Richie and Stan shared a sympathetic look with eachother. Bill clearly liked her, a lot. They didn’t need to tear him down. 

“Sorry Bill,” Richie said. “Let’s go get that ice cream!” Richie said in some accent no one could quite figure out. Bill began pedaling, his head still focused on the girl. Stan watched him watch her, and followed suit. Richie had to blink twice because, was Stan sad Bill liked her? It sure seemed like it. Now was not the time for questioning, however. They passed many people that day, including the homeschool farm boy biking towards the Kitchener Ironworks and that kid from school who always had his walkman on. Little did they know, they’d all cross paths soon enough.

And then it rained. A nice, refreshing spring rain pouring down on the boys. Any sign of Richie’s worries washed away in the rain, into the sewers, where It lurked.


	3. Leave Me, Like You Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone. so this will be the last chapter until monday so please bear with me. my plan is to progressivley get darker and more in detail with pennywise in the next chapter and chapters beyond. i may post a one shot idea i have planned in between this and next update, but we'll see. please enjoy, and comments and kudos appreciated!
> 
> !!!TW!!! Homophobic slurs

If you asked Eddie Kaspbrak what he was doing the day he walked up to the house on Neibolt street, he would tell you he can’t remember. That, in fact, was only partly true. Because he remembered the leper. The monster with bulging eyeballs, rotting flesh, crooked, yellow teeth, ratted clothing and the words that came out of his mouth. 

“You want a blowjob, Eddie? I’ll do it for a dime. Hell, I’ll do it for free!” 

The moments leading up to the encounter at Neibolt were a blur, as were the ones after the attack. His most vivid memories, the ones of the clown.

\---------------

Eddie fell. He fell hard. Moral of the story? Don’t look at your watch when you're walking faster than you even think you can. Cause you’ll fall and spill your medication everywhere. And also be traumatized for life. Cause of a leper.

“Shit!” Eddie mumbled as the colourful pills scattered across the cracking pavement. Eddie tried to focus on picking up the pills, as he knew exactly what was behind him. Neibolt house. The once grand house now the trademark of death, decay and rotting. It gave everyone the creeps, especially Eddie. The best way not to think about it was to keep focusing on the pills he dropped and making them look spotless so his mom wouldn’t have a heart attack. Amidst all his concentration, his brain became foggy and it was like his body went into autopilot. So naturally when a hand appeared in front of him handing him a pill, he didn’t think twice. Until, he did. Eddie’s head slowly turned up to see a man? Corpse? Somewhere in between those anyway, handing him a red pill. His face was oval shaped and his nose was gone, sunken in. His eyes were blinded by cataracts and halfway out their sockets. His teeth were a golden yellow, crooked and his flesh rotting off the bone. His hands were slimy and boney, and the pill disintegrated in his hands.

“Time to take your pill, Eddie.” It croaked.

Without a second thought, Eddie stumbled up and ran. Ran right into the property of Neibolt house. The yellow grass scratched his ankles and the tall, grotesque weeds burned him as he flew by. He was breathing heavy now, looking behind every once in a while to see if the monster was chasing him. Tears stung Eddie’s eyes as the monster limped after him, arms reaching out to claw him.

“You want a blowjob, Eddie? I’ll do it for a dime. Hell, I’ll do it for free!” The leper croaked.

Eddie screamed, lungs burning. Now he was at the side of the house, surrounded by weeds, browning grass and broken glass. He was panting, sweat seeping through his shirt and trickling down his forehead. 

“Or is that Richie’s job?” a new voice said. A more sinister one. One belonging to a clown. Eddie whipped his head around trying to find the source of the voice, realizing it was right in front of him. A clown, holding balloons and smiling an evil smile, like he was possessed.

“Aw, don’t play dumb Eds.” The clown chuckled. “I know what you think. You want him, You want him baaaad. But a little fag like you will get sick!!” It was howling hysterically now. 

“L-l-leave me all-alone!” Eddie screamed back, adrenaline pumping through his veins.

“But that’s what you're afraid of!” The clown screeched. “If Richie finds out, you’ll be alone! No more staring at him and imagining him in your room, doing, oh what was it Eds? A blowjob?”   
Eddie was a pale white and speechless. Tears welled up in his eyes. His hands felt around the fence, finding a gap to slip through. 

“Come float Eds!” The clown taunted. “Come float!” The clown laughed, holding out a hand for Eddie to grab. 

Eddie escaped through the gap, turning around to see the clown. He was gone with a noisy pop, like all the balloons exploded. Was it all in his imagination? Surely it couldn’t have been real, could it? Eddie ran home, crying the whole way and nearly getting sick. He knew. Someone, or something, knew. At least, in Eddie’s mind they did. And that was scarier than anything, or anyone real. He was going insane. 

Finally, after what seemed like hours, Eddie managed to make it home. He pulled his puffer out of his fanny pack faster than ever before and let the machine fill his lungs with cool air. He stood there, aspirator to his lips, tears drying over his cheeks with only the words of the clown ringing in his mind.

“Or is that Richie’s job?”

God, he hates himself because a part of him wishes it really was Richie's job. But that's not the point. The point is, he needed to tell someone, anyone about what just happened. So, he called up Richie. Bad idea.

“Hello, Tozier residence.” A sweet, gentle yet clearly strained and tired voice answered.

“Hi Maggie. It’s Eddie.” Eddie responded calmly.

“Oh Eddie! How are you sweetheart?” Maggie said, pleasantly surprised with the caller. Eddie shivered.

“Great,” He lied. “Is uh, can I talk to Richie?” Eddie asked, voice wavering with fear. Maggie didn’t seem to notice.  
“Of course dear, one second.” She said as he heard her hand muffle the receiver. 

“Sup Eddie Spaghetti!” Richie answered cheerily. Eddie was silent.

“Okay somethings wrong because you didn’t immediately beat my ass for calling you spaghetti. Are you okay?”

“Richie I-” Eddie paused. “I was walking home and I was in front of Neibolt. I dropped my p-pills and all the sud-sudden this clown started chasing me.” Eddie said as he began to cry. Not even a second later, Richie said into the phone,

“I’m on my way.” Then abruptly hung up. Eddie pulled the phone away from his ear and slowly walked upstairs, locking his door and sitting on his bed, legs crossed and waiting for a tall, lanky boy to crawl through. Not even 5 minutes later, Richie was outside Eddie’s window and into his room. Eddie was sitting on his bed, tears streaming down his flushed face. Richie’s heart broke.

“Rich, I-”

Richie wrapped Eddie up into a tight hug, burying his face into Eddie's neck and letting Eddie sob into his hoodie. They stayed there for 10 minutes, until Eddie pulled away, wiping at his eyes.

“I sound insane, don’t I?” Eddie mumbled, doe eyes fixated on Richie. Richie couldn’t look away. Richie intertwined his fingers with Eddie’s and looked him dead in the eye.

“I’ll believe anything you tell me.” Richie responded, his voice a serious tone. 

“He’s probably the bastard killing all these kids. I’m just so-” Richie’s eyes began to tear up. “I’m just so happy you're okay. I can’t lose you. Ever.” 

Eddie’s eyes began tearing up too, a sad smile spreading across his face.

“I can’t lose you either, Chee.” Eddie said, tucking a curl behind Richie’s ear. They were quiet. They were close, too close. It took an insane amount of willpower not to just lean in and-

“Can I stay for the night?” Richie said, his eyes darting to the floor avoiding Eddie’s gaze. 

“Yeah of course. But my mom will be home any minute so when I tell you to hide, hide.” Eddie said getting off of his bed and unlocking his door.

“Eddie, your mom would love to get some Tozier lovin’ I’m sure.” Richie said as a shit eating grin appeared on his face.

“Get. Out.” Eddie said, a stern finger pointing to the window. They stared at each other trying not to laugh, but ultimately failed. 

\------------------

“Sh-sh-shut uppppp Cheeeeeee” Eddie said in between giggles. Richie laughed even harder. 

“Okay okay, I’m tired Eds” Richie said giggling, pulling Eddie off the ground and dragging him to his bed. 

“Come snuggle with me.” He said as he patted the side of the bed that was empty. Warmth spread to Eddie’s cheeks.

“Don’t be an asshole.” He said as he switched off his lamp and crawled into bed, the two boys facing each other. They talked for a while after, about everything and nothing at the same time when eventually, Eddie’s eyelids fluttered shut and his breathing slowed. His eyelashes softly against his skin, mouth parted slightly. 

“Your beautiful, Eds.” Richie whispered as he silently lay in bed, staring at the beautiful boy in front of him. Richie however, knew himself too well. He knew that the longer he stayed, the more his heart would break. He doesn't know what would happen if it did, he only knows it would be bad. Just thinking about it made the anxiety worsen. So, he silently sat up and shuffled on his shoes. His bike was parked in the same spot and the moon was shining bright, cascading a light into the bedroom. Richie thought about it. Staying, that is. But, he couldn’t for his sake and Eddie’s. He swung one foot out the window and turned to look at Eddie. Richie smiled sadly, and left the Kasprak house.

When Eddie woke up the next morning alone, he pretended to not be disappointed.

\-------------------------

Eddie has a lot to think about now that he cannot leave the house until school starts. He thinks about how within 2 weeks, Beverly, Mike and Ben have become some of his closest friends. How Bill had an emergency meeting in his garage that resulted in them almost nearly dying, and then insisted they go to that god forsaken house to try and kill It. And that? That’s the situation that landed Eddie to be grounded the rest of the summer. You see, whilst Eddie was in the house, he passed out and fell through the rotting floorboard breaking his arm. And while he was in that house, he almost bit the dust. The only thing that saved him? Richie and Bev. If Richie had not distracted him while Bev impaled that son of a bitch, he might be six feet under. Although that might be better than anything right now. With Eddie being locked in his bedroom, with a massive heat wave going on, a heavy, unsigned cast weighing on his arm and a strict diet of tap water and healthy food, he’d rather be dead. Not to mention all the losers are probably hanging out without him. Great. And god did he miss Richie. He really did. He really, really missed-

“Eddie-Bear! Can you do me a favour?” His mom said bursting into his room. Eddie jumped, startled by her entrance. 

“I need you to walk down to the pharmacy and get some medications okay? It’ll be good to get some fresh air huh?” Sonia smiled sickly. Eddie’s face lit up. An opportunity to finally get out of his house! Without a second thought, Eddie pulled on his shoes, barley squeezing past his giant of a mother, gave her a kiss and ran down the stairs and out the door. He grabbed his bike from the side of the house, nearly stale from not being ridden in the past 2 weeks. He was down street when he heard his mom scream from the porch,

“EDDIE!! WALK YOU COULD HURT YOUR ARM EVEN MORE! EDDIE BEAR!! GET OFF YOUR BIKE THIS INSTANT!” 

He ignored her and let the wind hit his face, a smile spreading.

\-------------------

Lucky for Eddie, Greta Bowie wasn’t at the pharmacy so he just needed to talk to Mr.Keene. (Not like that was any better, though.) He had his medication in hand, a smile on his face and decided to take this small amount of freedom and bike to the park. Upon arriving, he noticed a familiar figure laying on the ground.

“I think I just shit my pants.” He heard it groan. Yep, definitely Richie. Wait, Richie! He can see Richie for the first time in weeks! Eddie dropped his bike and ran over to help him up. 

“Jesus dude what did you do?” Eddie smiled. Richie sat up and rubbed his head, taking his hand.

“None of your fu- Eddie?” Richie asked, looking bewildered that he was there. 

“Holy shit your mom let you out of the house!” 

“Yeah, just to get some meds though. She doesn't know I'm here, or seeing you. Can we uh, sit maybe?”

“Of course Eds.” Richie smiled, giving him a noogie as he stood up and leading him to a nearby bench. 

“God Richie! Stop it!” Eddie groaned as Richie messed up his hair, flailing in his arms.

The park was empty, other than the two of them. Perfect.

\----------------

“Holy shit. So you got kicked out of the Aladdin by Bowers, the Losers arent seeing each other anymore AND you got attacked by Paul fucking Bunyon and are still standing? I could never.”

“Well Eds, your mom does like strong men.” Richie laughed. Eddie shot him a glare, then proceeded to ask him about Bowers.

“Wait, so you never told me what Bowers said to you?” Eddie asked, full of interest. Richie turned red, his face burning.

“He uh, thought I was, fli-flirting with his cousin, Connor. He then called me a fag and tried telling everyone I was,” Richie paused and swallowed hard. “Gay.”

Eddie sat there, shocked. He had so many questions, the main one being, “Is it true?” He didn’t dare ask, though.

“Oh my god Richie I'm, I’m so sorry.” Eddie said, putting a hand to the small of Richie’s back, rubbing small circles. Richie hung his head down in defeat, feeling ashamed. Sparks flew through both of them. None of them said anything.

“I wouldn’t care, y’know.” Eddie mumbled.

“About?” Richie said, eyes meeting Eddie’s gaze.

“I wouldn’t care if you were gay.” Eddie whispered, hand recoiled from Richie’s back and in his lap and eye’s staring into Richie’s.

“I wouldn’t either.” Richie replied. 

“Oh, ok.” Eddie said in a small voice, eye’s darting to Richie’s lips. They were inches apart from each other now, lips just barely apart. Richie shuttered, but closed the gap between them in a small, chaste kiss. Even though it was apparent he’d never kissed anyone before, Richie still did it, closing his lips onto Eddie’s soft ones. Breathing in his scent, tasting the cherry candy on his lips. It was fast, yet the time went by slow and steady. It was perfect. The only thing was, Eddie never kissed back. Richie pulled back and opened his eyes to see Eddie, pale as a ghost, eyes wide open. Eddie sat there, still and shocked. The moment he waited for, just happened and he blew it. He should’ve kissed back. He should’ve held him close. They were alone anyways. Why didn’t he? Richie probably thinks he hates him. He loves him! Holy shit he fucking blew it. Good going, Eddie. Good fucking going.

“Eddie say something.” Richie breathed out, tears filling his eyes and a serious tone hanging over him. Eddie stood up abruptly to lean down and grab his bike. 

“I need to go home.” Was all that came out of his mouth, staring at the spot on the bench where he once sat. Before he knew it, he was on his bike riding all the way home, leaving the boy to ponder all alone. 

What has Richie done?


	4. Bring A Pack Of Smokes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. I enjoyed this chapter a lot and hope you do too. There will be another on Thursday and maybe a one shot I wrote just for fun. 
> 
> !!!!TW!!!!! homophobic slurs, mentions of assult

Richie stared at the wall in his bedroom, feeling numb. He had no reasonable explanation as to what just happened, although Richie himself wasn’t often reasonable. He had some sort of knowledge that he was safe, yet the sick feeling still pooled in his stomach. He remembers it so clearly, yet it was so muddled. 

He had to make a quick stop down at his dad’s dental office and drop off his lunch, as his mom was out for tea with a few friends. It was a somewhat cloudy day out, yet still quite warm, so the ride down was enjoyable. After dropping the brown paper bag off at the front desk, giving the receptionist, Rita, a toothy smile, he decided to take advantage of the weather and bike the long way home. His mind was filled with visions of his friends while doing so. Beverly, their newest friend was already making an impression. He pictured her dancing at the quarry, cigarette hanging from her lips. Her short, vibrant hair bouncing along with her. Stan was reading a book about birds, looking up once he heard a chirp to see exactly what he could find, smiling every so often. Bill would be watching Beverly, ever so discreetly. He’d pretend to be taking photos, but really just sneaking a glance at the girl as a blush would be creeping up his cheeks. Ben would be in his own little world, drawing buildings or writing poems, not bothering anyone. He was quiet like that, and easily the most agreeable. He wouldn’t dare look up, knowing that Bill would be sneaking a look. That would break his precious heart. As for Eddie, he’d be reading a comic book whilst yelling at Richie for being so annoying, with no actual heat to it. Richie would be attempting to pinch his cheeks and piss him off just for the hell of it.

“Beep-Beep Richie.” They’d all sigh in unison, cracking up just seconds after. The thought of bliss continued steadily until a voice stopped Richie dead in his tracks.

“Sup fuckwad.” A high pitched voice said. Richie slammed the breaks on his bike, nearly falling over.

“Fuck.” He murmured, looking straight. Down towards the end of the street was strangely, Eddie. Eddie’s house was 15 minutes away from here by bike, so even longer by foot. His mom wouldn’t let him out of the house considering the heat wave, so seeing him here was odd to say the least. As he got closer to Richie, he didn’t look right. His skin was pale, eye’s a light grey instead of the rich, chocolate brown. His shirt was soaked too, smelling foul. Smelling like… the Barrens. This wasn’t Eddie, and Richie had to get away.

“Hey, uh Eddie.” Richie squeaked. “Look I gotta be home right now, your moms waiting for me. Can I call you later? Thanks!” He said a bit too loudly, racing in the opposite direction. 

“Richie, wait!” Eddie said, this time sounding more real. Richie stopped his bike slowly, turning his head around. Eddie’s skin was his normal tan tone, eyes a rich chocolate brown and he smelt of vanilla and lavender. He was normal. Had Richie been imagining it? He must have been. Eddie looked at him like a wounded puppy, hurt and lost. Even though he had no business down here, he must have tried to find Richie for something important. So, Richie turned around, apologizing profusely.  
“Hey hey, don’t worry about it.” Eddie smiled, reassuring Richie he was okay and putting a hand on his shoulders. Richie smiled, leaning into his touch. It didn’t feel right, though.

“Look, last night something came to me and I needed to tell you. It's too important not to.” Eddie said, worry dripping off his words. Richie frowned.

“Of course Eds, but seriously what the hell are you doing here? It’s like a half an hour walk and your wheezy as fuck so i’m surprised your not dead yet.” Richie spat out, starting to feel unnerved again. 

“You told me you were coming this way when we talked on the phone earlier, did you not?” Eddie said, cocking his head.

“We didn’t talk today.” Richie muttered, confused. He met Eddie’s gaze, and it seemed to disappear for a split second. His eyes going cold, face melting away into something evil, sinister, and even disgusting. 

“Well then, you must have forgotten!” Eddie said, rather cheerily, his bright facade appearing once more. 

“Now, can I please tell you?” He said, leaning in so their noses nearly touched, his voice a soft whisper. Usually, Richie’s knees would weaken and he would be on cloud nine at a confrontation like this. But something had to be off. Eddie’s breath, unlike the rest of him, smelt like a decaying meat farm. Moist and damp and like rot, not the mint toothpaste Eddie used. Richie gulped, gripping harder onto his bike handles. He needed to go. Now.

“Look, Eddie-” Richie started before being abruptly cut off.

“You're such a fairy.” Eddie laughed. Richie’s blood ran cold, eye’s widening and stomach churning.

“Or what do you prefer? Fruitcake, queer, faggot? Tell me what you really want Rich.” Eddie smiled, revealing an array of sharp teeth covered in thick, black gunk. All the sudden, he twitched with a jolt. His face became a pale, whitish blue and his eyes rolled back into his head, turning a deep black. His smile grew wider and his face began to rot. He faced Richie again. Richie was now on his bike, but his body refused to move. He wanted to speed away, but an invisible force was keeping him still. 

“Cmon Rich,” Eddie slured, his voice becoming extremely deeper, more sinister. He slowly moved towards Richie, a foul smelling black liquid pooled out of his mouth and onto the ground.

“Come float with me.” Eddie smiled. Out of nowhere, Richie felt the invisible force disperse and suddenly began pedaling away from the scene. He looked straight ahead, not daring to look back as fresh tears stung his eyes. This was not his Eddie. No fucking way. He kept going, hearing a high pitched shriek behind him. A laugh.

“See ya later!” 

Richie silently sobbed the whole way home.

\-----------------------

It had been three days and Richie was unusually quiet. He normally wouldn't be able to shut up, but the event’s days prior really rocked him. Hard. His mom had commented on it one afternoon as Richie was perched up in his bedroom, lazily staring at his comic book.

“Richie, sweetheart. You okay?” She knocked, leaning into the door frame. Richie slowly turned his head, eyes wavering in her presence. He hadn’t talked much and hadn’t come up with an excuse, either. So, the classic came out of his mouth in a small, croaked voice.

“Just not feelin’ the best mom.”

She smiled a sad smile and walked over to Richie, sitting on his bed. She placed a delicate hand over his knee.

“Okay, well let me know if you need anything.” She said softly, whilst staring at Richie. He went back to looking over his comic book as she slowly got up, a short but sweet conversation like Richie was used to. Once Maggie got to the door again, she paused and turned to Richie.

“You know Richie?” She hesitated, almost like she was gonna regret whatever came out of her mouth.

“Yeah mom?”

“You don’t need to lie to me. About anything.” She said with a knowing smile as she sauntered out of the room. A warm blush spread to Richie’s cheeks as he looked back over his comic book. He’d thought he hid it well, she couldn’t have known, could she? Would she take it well? What about his dad?

All the sudden, his thoughts were interrupted by his mother calling him to answer the phone.

Eddie.

\----------------------

“So you're telling me, you biked to Eddies, stayed until 3 o’clock in the goddamn morning and the biked home and didn’t expect us to worry?” Wentworth said, voice wavering with fear and anger. After Richie had left Eddies, he’d biked home and ultimately tripped and fell, letting out a loud,

“Fuck!”

while he snuck back in, waking up his parents. Earlier he told them he was just going to Eddies with no indication of when he’d be back. Turns out, his parents weren’t pleased.

“Richie there is a phycopath out there, targeting kids like you!” Maggie sighed as she paced around the floor in her robe. Went was leaning against the back of the couch.

“Look guys, it's just-” Richie hesitated to tell them the truth. “Eddie’s having a really hard time at home right now. He was crying when he called me and he just needed someone.” Richie said while spitting out half-truths about the situation Eddie was in. Maggie and Went’s eyes went soft.

“And he can’t tell his mom because she’ll lock him up and he needs us. He needs me.” Richie sighed, eyes brimming with tears.

“So this wasn’t a teenage rebellion thing?” Went asked.

“No. He needed help.”

The two parents went and suddenly enveloped their boy in a hug, all the stress and anger fading away.

“We were scared. Yeah you were going to Eddie’s but one wrong turn and, I don’t even wanna think about it.” Maggie said into Richie’s hair. He smiled as they pulled apart. 

“I’m sorry, I really am.” He said truthfully, looking between the two of them.

“It’s okay. I mean, you're still in a shit ton of trouble but, it’s okay kid.” Went said as he sleepily rubbed his eyes. 

“What’s my punishment?” Richie asked, not wanting to hear the answer.

“How about pulling teeth for your father?” Maggie suggested sarcastically. 

“I’d rather sort through Mrs. K’s underwear.” Richie mumbled staring at the floor. Both parents shot him a glare. Went and Maggie turned around and began climbing the stairs to head back into a deep sleep. 

“We’ll talk in the morning. Go to bed.” Maggie called down as their bedroom door shut.

Richie smiled.

\----------

Upon not sleeping until around 4:00 am, Richie was extremely exhausted and desperate for sleep. That didn’t happen. At about 7:30, he awoke to a phone call ringing from the kitchen expecting his parents to get it. When he realized that they had left a note on his bedside telling him they’d be gone for the day and his punishment would be discussed later, the phone rang again. Must be important. Already in a bad mood, he walked downstairs and picked up the phone with a grunt.

“What?”

“Richie?” A female voice said, full of fear and worry.

“Beverly?” Richie said, all the sudden wide awake. Why the hell would Beverly Marsh be calling him? Especially at this hour?

“Yeah, uh that me.” She said. “I apologize for calling so early but, you were the last on my list so-”

“Your what, fuck list?” Richie snapped. Beverly sighed on the other line.

“Look you’ve made it clear I'm not your favorite but please I just need your help with something. And the rumours aren’t true. It would be a million years before I even touch Bowers, or any guy for that matter.” She muttered coldly. Richie felt a twinge of guilt, because he really did like Beverly, just wasn’t good at showing it.

“Look Bev,” He said, laying his forehead into the wall. “I do like you, just in a bad mood right now. I’m sorry.” He yawned.

“I could tell.” She snickered. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Cool so uh, what the hells going on?” 

“I can't explain, it’s better you see it. Come to the Aladdin at 12:00 today, we’ll meet there and then go on from there. Bring a pack of smokes.”

“We’ll?” Richie questioned. “Bev what-”

“See ya Tozier.”  
The line went dead. 

“Jesus,'' he muttered. All of a sudden, the phone went off again.

“Oh fuck me!” He cried, picking up the phone.

“Hello?”

“What the fuck? Where did you go?” 

Shit. Eddie.

“Uh, hey Eds nice to see you too!” Richie exclaimed.

“First of all don’t call me that, second of all answer the damn question.” He said, clearly upset.

“Well my darlin-”

“Flattery will get you nowhere.”

Richie sighed.

“I-I just needed to get home okay? My parents were worried and I really didn’t want your mom having a bird when she figured out I was in your bed, Eddie.” Richie deadpanned.

“Good point. Wait, did you not tell your parents where you were going?”

Richie thought back to last night.

“Not exactly.” He cringed.

“Jesus Rich I-” Eddie started

“I’m honestly sorry okay? I’ll make it up to you I promise okay? Ice Cream this afternoon?” Richie said desperate, wanting to win him back. 

“Okay fine, asshole. I forgive you” Eddie said, smiling into the phone. “But not this afternoon, we have Bev’s thing. She's freaked out.”

“You got a call too? The Aladdin at 12:00?” 

“Yup.” Eddie said, popping the p.

“You have any clue what's going on?” Richie asked, concerned.

“No, she seemed really scared on the phone though.”

“Yeah. I wonder if it's something with her dad. He’s always given me the creeps. And have you seen those gnarly bruises she shows up to school in?” Richie asked.

Eddie shuttered. “I hope not. That would be so-”

“Fucked up.”

“Yeah, fucked up. Wanna meet at the corner at quarter to 12?” Eddie asked. Richie glanced at the clock.

“Ya ghat it, mastah!” Richie said in another terrible voice.

“That's the worst one I heard.” Eddie said before hanging up.

Richie hung up, and went to go find a pack of smokes, totally whipped for Eddie Kaspbrak.

\-----------------------

Richie let the wind flow through his hair. It had been 2 weeks since he last saw the losers, and tonight he got lucky. He saw Eddie. But he also kissed Eddie. He basically ended his own life. He doesn’t remember the kiss, only the blurry aftermath of it all. Eddie leaves abruptly and Richie sits on the park bench, trying not to cry. He’d already been called a faggot, been attacked by the god forsaken demon clown and now this? Jesus, someone really has it out for him. He sat on the bench for what felt like hours until he numbly got up and rode his bike back home. By the time he arrived, the sun was setting and his parents were over at the neighbours, again. He crawled onto his bed, and put on his walkman, letting the music fill his ears. He cried as he thought about Eddie, and the friendship that was ruined. The disgust he must feel. The hate. Hate. Richie really hated himself. A lot. He let the music lull him away, into a world where Eddie loved him back just as much, when he awoke with a jolt. And an idea. A mixtape, no no, an I’m sorry for kissing you mixtape.

He got to work immediately.


	5. The Mixtape To Prove It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the support thus far. I will try to have the next chapter up but we'll see. I enjoyed this one and hope you do too. <3

Eddie sat on his bed, reading a comic book. It was a Wolverine one, and one that pissed Eddie off at that. Wolverine and Jean Grey were so in love Eddie had to physically put the book down. He kept on thinking how he must have hurt Richie, when all he wanted to do was kiss him back. He really should’ve kissed him back. But in that moment, all Eddie could think about was fear. Pure fear. He didn’t know what he was scared of, he was just scared. An awful excuse yes, but a valid one nonetheless. Eddie sat on his bed, staring at the blank beige wall in front of him. The lull of his moms television channel was infuriating, as he heard her small snores signaling she had eaten too much for the day and was done, falling into a deep sleep. Eddie sighed, getting up and looking out the window. The moon and stars were out tonight, casting a brighter glow then the streetlights ever could. It shone through the trees and back into Eddie's dimly lit bedroom. He thought about how he wanted to see Bill’s courage again, Stan’s intelligence again, Mike’s bravery again, Ben’s kindness again, Bev’s laugh again and Richie’s smile again. He wanted his friends back, he wanted the Losers again. His train of thought was suddenly interrupted when a package slammed against his window, landing on the window sill. Eddie jumped back abruptly, heart racing. He slowly opened his window, careful to not knock it down, to pick up a small package wrapped in newspaper. He tried to see if anyone, or anything, had tossed his this package, but he couldn’t see, even in the moonlight. He closed the window and sat down on his bed, carefully unwrapping the item. Inside was a scratched up Walkman, headphones and all, with a small tape and a note. Before he could go any further, he thought of the clown. What if when he opened the note blood squirted out like Bev’s bathroom sink? Or cockroaches scrambled apart and entered Eddie's ears?

“Jesus Kaspbrak, pull it together.” He thought angrily. He unfolded the note to reveal a familiar chicken scratch handwritten note. Richie's writing. It said:

“I’m sorry. Here’s a mixtape to prove it.” 

Eddie didn’t think twice before scrambling to put on the headphones, and leaning back, drifting to the music. Eddie always talked about how he wanted a walkman, and it looked like Richie didn’t forget. It was Richie’s after all. Eddie lost track of time after the first song, letting the music transport him to another world. The songs were as follows:

I just died in your arms tonight - Cutting Crew

Let’s Dance - David Bowie

O Pretty Woman - Van Halen

Video Killed The Radio Star - The Buggles

Everybody Wants To Rule The World - Tears For Fears

You Better Run - Pat Bennetar  
Once In A Lifetime - The Talking Heads

Under Pressure - David Bowie and Queen

Love My Way - Psychedelic Furs

This Charming Man - The Smiths

Friday I’m In Love - The Cure

Tainted Love - Soft Cell

Eddie listened to the mixtape non stop, thinking of Richie everytime and feeling the warmth in his cheeks, chest and stomach. He was in bliss. It wasn’t until the 8th time around that Eddie’s eyes shot open, and he made a realization. He scrambled over to his desk, nearly stubbing his toe as he yanked open the desk drawer, grabbing out a pen and an old piece of paper. Writing faster than his brain could think, his usual clean handwriting was immediate chicken scratch and almost unreadable. The first 8 songs, their first letter. Eddie’s mouth agape, the first letters spelt: I LOVE YOU

The sneaky bastard. He knew exactly what he was doing! Eddie stood up abruptly, throwing off the headphones and pulling out the tape. He ran to his closet, quickly pulling out the first hoodie he could find and pulling on his shoes. Inhaler be damned, he slowly opened his bedroom door to ensure his mom was snoring. After hearing the loud snorts coming from the couch, he slowly opened the window, looking at the large tree in front of him and back to his broken arm.

“Fuck, the things I do for you.” He muttered as he stepped out the window shaking, feet planted on a branch. He leaned back onto the tree, panting, and stepping down onto the lower branches. Once he was safely on the ground, he kicked off running towards the Tozier house, knowing Richie would be wide awake. He had the mixtape in his casted arm and adrenaline pumping through his veins. At the speed he was running, he would at least be there in two minutes flat. He knew for sure he’d need his backup inhaler at Richie's house, as he always kept one for him. He smiled at the thought. It wasn’t until he was in clear view of Richie’s dimly lit bedroom that he felt his nervousness hit. What if the signs were wrong? What if it was just a coincidence? So many questions, so little time. Before he knew it, he was underneath Richie’s window sill. He carefully stood atop the garbage bins and stood on his tiptoes, tapping the window rapidly and flailing his arms to grab Richie’s attention. In what was no time at all Eddie saw the window slide open and Richie peer his head out. 

“Eddie?” He asked, clearly confused.

“Just pull me up, please.” He struggled. Richie grabbed both arms, careful on the broken one when hoisting up Eddie into his bedroom. After a slight struggle to get Eddie to enter the room, he fell onto the carpet making a small thump noise. He was hot, sweaty and panting. His short of breath was coming up on him. Without saying a word, Richie grabbed Eddie’s inhaler and gently placed it into his mouth, pushing the trigger. After five minutes of Eddie catching his breath and Richie nursing him, Eddie stood up and spoke.

“I love you.” He smiled, holding up the mixtape. “The songs and shit. They mean I love you, right?” 

Richie sighed, staring at the floor as he got up. He was blushing now, avoiding eye contact with Eddie.

“That obvious?” He chuckled, adjusting his glasses. Eddie looked at him, eyes wide, mouth apart and messy, bed ridden hair askew. He wanted to kiss him. So, he did. Eddie grabbed a bunch of Richie’s t-shirt, pulling him forwards into a sloppy kiss and this time, it was Richie who didn’t kiss back. Eddie pulled them apart panting, loose grip on richie. 

“I love you too, Richie. I’ve loved you since we were 8 years old.” Eddie panted out. In one swift motion, Richie grabbed Eddie by the hips and pulled him forward into a warm kiss. Eddie re-tightened his grip on Richie’s shirt as their mouth moved in unison. It was warm, wet and extremely sloppy, but full of want and love for one another. Richie pulled back, grip still on Eddie.

“I’m afraid I got you beat, Eds.” Richie smiled.

“How?”

“I was 6 when I fell in love. Beat that.” Richie grinned. Eddie giggled, leaning into Richie.

“Okay fine, asshole be that way.” He smiled, staring up at the lanky boy in front of him, cheeks red and heart swelling.. “Was this a one time thing?” Eddie asked wearily, like he didn’t want to know the answer. Richie pulled them apart so that his hands were on Eddie's shoulders.

“Eddie I don’t want this to be a one time thing. I want to sneak into your room and cuddle with you, kiss you when no ones looking, take you on dates wherever the hell you want to go, tell you how much I love you everyday. I want it all.” Richie said seriously. Richie was nearly never serious, but when he was, Eddie knew he meant it. 

“Do you want it to be a one time thing?” Richie asked, eyes deep into Eddies. Eddie shook his head vigorously as he sat down on the edge of Richie’s bed.

“I want it too Chee, I want it all.” He said sincerely. Richie circled behind Eddie, spreading his legs so they were on either side of Eddie's thighs. Eddie leaned back so his back was leaning into Richie’s chest as Richie rested his head on Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie felt warm all over. 

“We just need to be careful.” Eddie sighed. 

“Careful how?” Richie mumbled into Eddie’s shoulder.

“Like, only sneaking into my house after my mom’s asleep-”

“But Eds, mrs K will want to-”

“Don’t finish that fucking sentance.” He grumbled as Richie stifled a laugh.

“No kissing or hand holding in public of course and saying nothing to the losers. No one can know, at least for a little bit.” Richie bolted straight up, getting off of the bed and standing right infront of Eddie. 

“Dude, I have to tell Stan! He’s my best friend!” Richie whisper shouted. Eddie shook his head.

“Look, I’m sure they’d understand but you never know, okay? At least for the first month. Then we can say something.”

Richie sat down on the cold carpet, head in his hands. 

“Yeah, okay. Sounds good.” He said as a sad smile swept across his face. Eddie peared at his watch. 1:27. He had to go.

“Chee, I need to go. ” He said as he made his way towards the window. Before he could reach it however, Richie yanked his wrist pulling him into a deep kiss as a small flash went off. Eddie pulled apart to see a polaroid camera shoved into their faces.

“Our first kiss Eds!” Richie said, handing him the still developing photo. Eddie smiled, grabbing it.

“Buy me dinner first Rich.” He said as he stepped out of the window, straddling the window sill, staring at Richie. 

“Are we boyfriends?” He asked, voice cracking. Eddie laughed, a warm feeling filling his chest. 

“Don’t push your luck, Tozier.” He said as he slipped out the window. Richie was grinning like a fool.

By the time Eddie made it home, his mom was still asleep downstairs and he was warm, despite the soft chill in the air. He took the polaroid and hid it deep into his small desk drawer, flopping into bed and smiling. He tucked himself into bed and thought of Richie. He could only think of Richie. That was, until the nightmare started. It was simple, and quite pleasing to be honest. Him and Richie were in Richie’s bedroom, but older, more mature. They were slowly kissing, peaceful and serene as Eddie crawled on top of Richie’s lap, hands in his hair. Eddie began whining, kissing deeper until something filled his mouth. It was warm, but sticky and gross and tasted like rotting flesh. Eddie pulled back abruptly, seeing that the Richie he knew was gone. It was like Richie, the thing he was sitting on, but doll-like with strings and glass eyeballs. His porcelain skin was filled with maggots and worms, and he reeked of sewage. The fake Richie smiled a sinister smile, one that would haunt him for the rest of his days. The doll opened his puppet mouth and spiders flew out. Eddie was visibly shaking, a pale white shade across his face. He tried to move off of it, but it’s jointed fingers gripped his hips tighter.

“Am I hurting you, Eddie?” The voice croaked, almost sounding like an animatronic. Eddie couldn’t speak.

“Do you want a blowjob? A handjob? Do you want to float?” It spoke again, drops of blood spilling from his mouth. Eddie couldn’t move, even if he tried. The fear was sunken into his skin, burning everywhere. The doll began to grab Eddie's hips, cutting him along the side. Eddie’s throat was dry, but somehow he managed a scream. A scream that woke him up, eyes wide in a cold sweat. His body was buzzing and hot tears stung his cheeks. The clown had made him dream the worst, the end of him and Richie. He couldn’t take it, so he flung off the covers in his bed and ran to the bathroom, sinking his face in a pool of cold water. After letting himself cool off, he ran downstairs to see if his mom had heard the high pitched scream. Luckily for him, a note was left on the kitchen table that said:

Eddie Bear,  
Seeing as you’ve been sleeping all day and might have a fever, I’ve gone to pick up some groceries for soup as well as more Advil. Please eat some multigrain toast and I’ll be back soon.  
Mummy xoxo

Eddie scoffed. The women didn’t wake up much before 10 o’clock herself. Eddie picked up the note in a fit of rage. He hated her, the way he treated her, the way she made him felt worthless. He crumpled it all up and threw it at her ecliner, rage in his body. His stomach was still turning from the awful nightmare, and food was the last thing he needed. He quickly got his fanny pack ready, pulled on some clothes and waited for the opportunity to leave his mother again.

\--------------------

When Sonia came home, thrilled to see her son was not sick, she reminded him of how he needed to stay home and get over his sickness, whatever that meant. She told him this as he fixed the LOSER signing on his cast, earning a glare. When he informed her he was leaving to see Bill, and that his pills were bullshit, he ran and got on his bike faster than ever, meeting everyone else downtown. Eddie was panicked, not ready for whatever they were about to encounter, but he knew he had Richie. He didn’t truly realize the severity of what was happening, as it was all a large blur of events. He did realize however, when he saw Stan nearly getting killed, and Beverly floating. They were all gonna float, and he wasn’t ready to let go yet.


	6. Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I did! Also, I have a Reddie playlist i'm willing to share so let me know if you want me to include it. Much love! 
> 
> !!TW!! Homophobic slurs

Richie watched them all as they walked down the empty streets of Derry. Some were covered in blood, rotting plants and leper barf, whilst the others were simply muddy and damp from the dark presence that was the sewers. They were all quiet and traumatized, Bill, Bev and Stan being the worst off. Stan was still shaking, blood drying on his face. Bill was still wiping away silent tears and Bev was quiet as small. It was a terrible event, no doubt, but there was something off about Bev. Something other than the attack from Penywise was eating at her, but she was refraining from anyone's touch or words. They let her be. After walking for what seemed like hours, they stopped in front of a store window, looking at the state they were in. Eddie audibly gasped, making a statement about his mom which ended up with an offhand comment from Richie and a 

“Beep Beep”

from everyone else. As they continued walking, Ben stated that himself, Bill and Stan were going to see Ben’s mom as she was a nurse and was gonna help patch Stan up. Bill commented about making an excuse other than getting his face bitten by an evil clown, but Stan didn’t comment. Richie knew his best friend well, and he knew he was affected, too affected. As everyone else walked, making slight small talk, Richie fell behind and walked with Stan. 

“If you need anything, at any time or anywhere, just call okay?” Richie said, choking back tears. He knew Stan would never be the same, and that scared him so damn much.

“Thanks, Rich.” Stan croaked as Ben called him. They said their goodbyes as they walked down the street towards Ben’s house. 

“Clubhouse next week!” Ben called back, reminding everyone. Bev smiled for the first time in hours before they reached her apartment. There was an ambulance outside and her neighbours began running up to her. She was quickly pulled away as she mumbled to the boys,

“See you next week.”

They watched in horror as Alvin Marsh was carried away in a stretcher, and Bev was taken into the apartment by a group of police officers and a young woman.

“Do you think Bev is okay?” Mike asked as they continued walking.

“I’m sure she's great Mikey!” Richie said sarcastically. Mike frowned. “D’ya think he’s dead?” Richie asked.

“God dipshit he was in a stretcher not a body bag.” Eddie said. “Besides, I don’t think Bev would be able to take it if he was.” Eddie said. Mike nodded.

They walked in silence until they came across an intersection. Go straight, you’d head to Hanlon's farm and turn left and you’d go to a bunch of houses, where Richie and Eddie lived. Mike stopped his bike, looking at both the boys.

“Thanks guys.”

“Anytime man.” Eddie said, smiling. Mike gave them his signature grin, mounting his bike and riding away. The remaining two boys turned left and walked until they were at the corner that separated their 2 streets. Eddie smiled up at the taller boy. Richie blushed, smiling back.

“What are you gonna do about your mom?” Richie asked.

“Well I'm gonna haul ass upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom to shower. Then I’ll just say I fell when I was coming home from Bill’s house. That shouldn’t get me grounded for too long.” Eddie shrugged. He looked back up at Richie, smiling slightly.

“Sooooo…. Do I get a kiss?” Eddie giggled. Richie chuckled in response. 

“No offense Eddie, but you smell like shit.”

“C'mon you talk shit, might as well kiss it.”

“God Eddie, all I’m sayin is-” He was cut off by a chaste, light kiss. Eddie blushed, again, and Richie’s heart hammered in his chest.

“Glad I have a new way to shut you up.” Eddie snickered.

“Damn you Kaspbrak.”

“Don’t be sassy I can dump you in a heartbeat.” He said, with no actual heat to it. Richie stared at him for a moment, thinking. Thinking about how at any moment, the Clown could’ve taken Eddie and fucking ripped him. Richie was not stupid, and he knew, even at age 13, he could not do this without Eddie. 

“Uh, Richie?” Eddie asked, concerned. Richie suddenly snapped out of his trance, looking at Eddie.

“Eddie I was so scared. Today I thought I was gonna lose you and I just can’t lose you. I love you so much and I can’t ever lose you.” Richie said, seriousness ringing through every word and eyes now fogged up from tears. Eddie looked at him, grabbing his face with his hands, ignoring the barf that was beginning to crust up.

“You’ll never lose me. Ever.” He said, voice cracking slightly. He looked down at his watch, then back at Richie.

“I need to go, Chee.” He said as he mounted his bike and took off.

“I love you!” He yelled back as he biked through the streets. Richie’s heart swooned as the words escaped Eddie’s lips. 

“I love you more!” He yelled back, knowing that he was truly in love.

\---------------

His parents weren’t thrilled when they found out he was gone, but Maggie and Wentworth weren’t ones to put up a fuss. They simply told him to go shower and get the rank smell of the sewers off of him, even though to their knowledge Richie was at the barons. The remainder of the day was spent just thinking about Eddie. At dinner, Richie thought about how much Eddie would like the potato salad his mom made and a grin was plastered on Richie’s face just at the thought. While he sat down with his parents to watch TV, their bodies against one another, he thought about how Eddie would fit perfectly against his side, head in the crook of his neck and his face adorned with Richie’s kisses. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. When Richie was laying in bed that night, for the first time he thought about something other than Eddie. Bev.

Beverly Marsh, the smart, feisty, kind, funny, badass girl Richie had become best friends with. The way she could slit your throat simple with a glare yet hug you simultaneously and make you feel loved. They way her expression didn’t change when she saw her father, they way she’s become stone cold. It hurt. He wanted to reach out and make sure she’s okay, but he knew he couldn’t do that until he saw her in the club house. He was concerned. What if she got carted away? Where would she go? Would she be all alone? A pool of anxiety filled Richie’s chest as he tossed and turned, needing her right now. Making sure she’s ok. He couldn’t leave though, not knowing where she was. He could’ve really used Eddie, but he was too tired to leave. Limbs were too heavy, eyelids too soft, and his mind racked with worry to do anything other than sleep.

\---------------------------

The next final weeks of summer were fast ones. Everyone, as promised, met at the clubhouse multiple times, each getting better as the days went on. Bill got his closure. Gerorgie was barely even brought up in any given conversation and his parents were noticeably getting back into his life. His demeanor changed, shoulders lifted and smiles returned. He was doing okay. Stan had been healing slowly, still carrying around the trauma. He spent his nights crying in Richie’s arms as he spoke to his best friend about everything and nothing all at once. The bandages were off and only small scars remained. He talked more, gained his deadpanned personality again and truly began living. His bird talk was non stop and he was back. Stan was back. Bev too had improved. She was laughing more, crying less. Her bubbly, cool self was back and the bruises on her arms were fading and not being replaced by fresh ones. Much to their dismay, her location remained a secret, but she fell back into her hugs and late night conversations all the same. They all agreed to have a meeting by the kissing bridge just before school began, as both Mike and Beverley both had secretive but exciting news to share. The others happily agreed. 

Richie and Eddie still stuck together. Staying alone in the clubhouse exchanging secret kisses and cuddles or Richie sneaking around to fall asleep and wake up in the boys arms. Their relationship remained a secret, but they didn’t intend to keep it that way for long. They were gonna tell the losers all about it. Every detail and every moment. That was until their lives changed for the worst. Until Richie Tozier lost the love of his life.

\-----------------------------

It was a Saturday night, and Richie and Eddie were entangled with one another. Eddie’s head in the crook of Richie’s neck, chests pressed together. Legs were entwined together as small breaths pushed against Richie’s neck. This was the rare occasion that Richie didn't have to sneak out. Although Sonia wasn’t aware of the two's secret sleepover, the Toziers knew where Richie was. They almost knew too much in fact, as he was met with knowing smiles from both his mother and father as he ran out the door. He’d worry about that later. They had the losers meeting the next morning, then school the following Monday. Richie wasn’t scared of 8th grade, god no. He was just scared of growing up. He wanted to leave Derry obviously, but not without the other losers. Not without Eddie. And he was nervous that as they got older, they would float apart. Drift. Riche couldn’t do that. He let his worries bleed into Eddie’s skin though, slipping away as the sun slipped up, alerting the boys that their peace was over and they had to get going before they got caught. 

“Mornin’ Rich.” Eddie mumbled as he pressed a kiss to Richie’s temple, groaning as he sat up and rubbing his eyes. Richie buried his face deeper into Eddie’s shoulder as his hands dnaked around his waist.

“Wanna s’eep” Richie mumbled into Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie chuckled.

“Nu uh. Get dressed. We gotta go.” He said, slipping out of bed and opening his closet door to pull out a pair of shorts and a polo. Richie slipped out of bed, sitting on the floor behind Eddie. He changed into whatever outfit he’d thrown together and stood up only to see Eddie combing out his messy morning hair. Richie yawned as he hoisted his bag up his shoulder leaning against the open window. 

“Why the hell did Bev want us to get up so early?” He asked, annoyed. Eddie sighed as he wiped at his chin.

“I dunno, but let’s not question it. Last day of summer, right?” He smiled. Richie smiled in response. 

“Yeah yeah. I'll wait outside okay?” He said, already halfway out the window. Eddie opened his bedroom door just in time for them to hear Sonia call out.

“Got it.” He smiled as he left Richie alone and ran downstairs. Richie jumped out of the window, landing with a soft thud as a result. He picked up his bike and mounted it, waiting at the side of the house for Eddie. 5 minutes passed of Richie looking around at the fading brick, growing vines and unkempt grass. His own home was nearly a replica, although his mom took much better care of the aesthetics and his dad and himself mowed the lawn til it was a green as a crisp dollar bill. So lost in thought, Richie barely heard Eddie call out from the driveway. He pedaled through the grass and met the smaller boy atop the gravel path. They rode in sweet silence all the way down to the kissing bridge, then making a sharp turn downwards. They rode down the hill until they got into thick, yellow grass and discarded their bikes amongst the various others. Sitting in a small circle was none other than the losers themselves. Richie shrugged off his backpack and set it down aside Mike’s bike. They walked over, the grass scratching their legs as they sat down.

“Glad you made it, assholes.” Bev smiled as she was in deep conversation with Bill, who was staring. Stan was explaining different birds to Mike, who relayed whether he’d seen them at the farm or not. Ben sat and listened, asking all about them. 

“Okay. Let’s talk.” Bev said, abruptly cutting everyone off. The sat in a silent circle as Bev sighed and simply said: 

“Let’s get all of this grim stuff out of the way.” 

She talked about her nightmares, clearly disturbing the others. They asked questions, she gave answers, and it was quite civil. Eventually, they all got tired of hearing dreadful stories that seemed to go on forever, so she smiled and sat up straighter, ready for the good stuff.

“So, as you guys know my dad is uh,” She paused, staring at the ground. “Not in my life anymore. And since I'm only 13, I had to go move with my aunt in portland. But, with some convincing, she’s moving into my old apartment. I’m staying in Derry, for good.” 

Everyone began to smile as they all stood up to envelope Bev in a hug.

“Thank fuck.” Richie sighed as they all laughed. “We’d all be dead if it wasn’t for you.”

“He’s right.” Ben perked up. They all dismantled and sat back down as Beverly told them all about her aunt. She didn’t mention where her dad was or what happened to him, but no one dared ask. Her aunt sounded like the coolest person ever. She was her mom’s sister and had the same eye’s and fiery hair as Bev did. She showed them the polaroid she kept in her breast pocket and explained she’d be moving in tomorrow and she’s been staying at Mike’s farm for the weeks prior. Everyone looked astounded at this revelation, but they said the cops told them to keep it under wraps. The chatter continued until Mike piped up, with a grim look on his face.

“My turn.” He swallowed. Everything went quiet. Mike was a happy guy, and the look on his face said otherwise. 

“I won’t be on the farm much longer, this is my last year.” He said, staring at the ground. Bill’s mouth hangs open.

“Wh-w-what d-do you mean, M-mike?” Bill asked.

“It’s my last year on the farm because,” He looked up, smiling. “I’m going to high school with you guys.”

Everyone cheered in excitement and went in for another hug. They threw questions at Mke, like how he got out of homeschool and what’s his grandad gonna do? Mike, being the gentleman he was, answered them all and explained he has a lot to make up for this year, and he’ll still work after school and on weekends. Excitement was buzzing through the air no doubt, but it was quickly diminished when Bill held up a piece of glass, and made them promise.

\----------------------

Eddie and Richie had made plans to hang out and go get the final ice cream cone of the season later on. It was funny, because all the fun things about Derry basically shut down once school started, maybe to get kids to stay inside and not get kidnapped by an interdimensional clown. It worked, usually, but nonetheless kids still got taken, and were never found. 

Around 5:00, Richie’s phone rang and was more than pleased to hear Eddie’s voice on the other line. He sounded different, shaky, and when Richie asked what was wrong he got no answer. Eddie just told him to come over now, and then he hung up. Although Richie was confused, he was a good boyfriend and did so because he wanted to make sure everything was ok. After a grueling bike ride in the hot Derry sun, he made it over to the Kaspbrak house, only to find Sonia on the front porch, Eddie’s frail arm tightly gripped in one, their polaroid in the other. Richie’s mouth fell open.

“Richard Tozier. You sick, perverted creature.” She spat, eye’s narrowing. Eddie was crying, snot down his nose and eyes so red they could’ve been mistaken for blood. Richie froze on his bike, not daring to move a mussel.

“You have been molesting my son for months, and you thought you could get away with it? Eddie is NOT a faggot and he will not be swindled by your kind.” She sneered as tears gathered in Richie's eyes. 

“If you ever come near my son again, I will call the authorities, understand?” She asked. Richie didn’t answer. He looked at the fresh cut on his hand. Losers forever.

“UNDERSTAND?” She screamed at him. Richie nodded his head as tears slipped from his face. Eddie was sobbing now, hiccuping the words “Please, ma.” and “No please.”

“Tell him, Eddie.” She whispered. Richie shook his head, knowing what was coming.

“Please Eddie.” He was sobbing now too. Tears, snot and sweat stained his face as he cried.

“I love you!” Richie cried, ignoring the sound Sonia made as she heard the words. He was begging now crying in front of the boy he loved more than life itself.

“I don’t want you too.” He cried in response, voice cracking. Richie’s eyes widened, mouth going dry as the next few words escaped Eddie’s lips.

“Leave me alone.” he said as Sonia dragged him back inside the house, slamming the door leaving the crumpled polaroid to fall down the steps and land by Richie’s bike. He slowly picked it up and burst back into tears as he pocketed it and biked home father then he ever could. He got off the bike as soon as he hit the driveway, throwing it down and entering the house with a bang. Maggie and Went immediately came running out of the kitchen to see what made the noise. Their stood their son, soaked and sobbing, polaroid photo in his limp hand. 

“Richie, what in god’s name-” 

“I lost him, mom. He’s gone.” 

Richie collapsed into his mother's arms as he sobbed and she held him up right, her shoulder now soaked with fresh tears. Went came around to hug Richie, but instead picked up the photo. He sighed as his son turned around to look at him, fear in his eyes. 

“Sonia?” he asked shakily. All Richie had to do was nod for them to understand, and he kept on sobbing. He knew they’d have to have a deeper chat later, an important one, but for right now, he only thought one thing.

Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.


	7. North Corner Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!!! ao3 finally let me post so enjoy this slighty angsty bit lmao. It's a key point in the story, so enjoy! and i promise, it will all work out.

1993

Eddie looked in the mirror, observing himself in disgust. It's all he seems to do these days. He looked at himself, how grown he was. His tanned skin and smattering freckles across rosy cheeks. His sharp jaw and pink parted lips. His honey brown eyes and short yet slightly toned body. Any person would find him attractive, that much was clear. But after what he did 4 years ago, he couldn’t bear to look at himself in an ugly manner. He was wearing a light blue t-shirt accompanied by a grey zip up sweater. His kaki shorts fell just below his knee and his beat up converse sat molded around his feet. He traded his fanny pack for a small reusable bag kept in his backpack in freshman year, hoping to make him feel better about himself. It didn’t work. Sighing as he observed himself in the mirror, he picked up his backpack and walked downstairs. He walked into the kitchen to tell his mom he was leaving for school, meeting Sarah in the driveway. Sonia simply nodded, leaving him with her simple yet cold.

“Goodbye, Edward.”

He had lost her trust completely, not that he wanted it in the first place. She put a keypad on his window at night, banned any extra curricular activities and made it damn near impossible to sneak out. It wasn’t a problem however, he had no one to sneak out for anymore. He opened the door and walked into the cool October air as the familiar green car pulled up in the driveway. A young girl with strawberry blonde hair tied in a messy bun stuck her head out the window, smiling widely.

“Ready to go Kaspbrak?” she shouted? Eddie never got in the car faster.

Sarah Wallace has been Eddie’s neighbour for his whole life. She’d always been shy, until she witnessed the mess that was the break up of Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak from her bedroom window. She was a respectable young girl to the adults, but a total badass to anyone else who knew her. She wore baggy t-shirts, had like 15 piercings in her ears and a winning smile. Her hair was almost always in a messy bun and she smelt like vanilla and weed. She always wore Vans, never anything else, had them all in different colours and styles and was an incredible skateboarder. She smoked weed and was the Derry High School plug. She was loaded for a 17 year old. She was the coolest thing and easily Eddie’s best friend. To the adults, she was a straight A student who attended church regularly and had a lovely boyfriend. That was true, partly. She was incredibly smart and attended church with Eddie. But the boyfriend fiasco, well Sarah was the biggest lesbian you’d ever seen. Always rambling on about girls at school and Madonna and Winona Ryder whenever Eddie would let her. In fact, that's how she and Eddie met. It was just hours after the mess of a screaming war and Eddie was upstairs in his bedroom, crushed to pieces. His mom was on the phone with the hardware store, not getting those keypads fast enough and would soon enough be calling Sarah's mother to get Eddie into the church group that Sarah helped run. It was stifling hot, and Eddie was sweating buckets as he stared out his window. His focus was broken after he heard a small thump against his window. He scrambled to his feet, praying it was Richie. Instead he was met with a piece of paper tied to a rock. Confused, he closed his window again and sat down on his desk, his mom rambing on in the background. He untied the paper and read the note that was attached, eyes wide.

Eddie,  
Hi. This is from Sarah, your neighbour. I couldn’t help but see the fight that went down a little while ago and it took a lot from me not to lose my shit and come help you. Anyways, I just wanted to say you're not alone. Im gay too, for girls that is, so you can talk to me anytime. No one knows, so keep it between us okay? Write back please. Sorry if this seems weird. Throw the rocks at the window across from yours. That's my bedroom. 

Sarah W.

Eddie sat back, shocked, barely processing the information. A girl, who liked him? Who was also gay? Like, what world was this! Eddie felt the adrenaline pump through his veins as he grabbed a piece of paper and wrote back a personal yet interesting letter. He chucked the rock at the window, and not seconds later a beautiful girl opened the window and took the rock. She winked at Eddie and left the window, leaving a new friendship hanging between them.

Ever since then, the two had become the best of friends. She went to the local catholic school up until high school, and Sonia was more than pleased to see Eddie interacting with a nice church girl like Sarah. Over time, she changed into her true self. Her floral dresses swapped for t-shirts and jeans. Once dainty earing is replaced with studs and crosses and safety pins. Her ballet flats changed to ruffed up Vans and her baby pink bike now a blue Santa Cruz skateboard. Her room was now plastered with band posters, vinyls, throw pillows and blankets polaroids of her and Eddie together and her guitar sitting lonely in the corner. Her parent’s hadn’t welcomed the change, but as long as she was still being the good girl she was, they didn’t mind one bit. All the adults who loved Sarah got used to her, and Eddie got more freedom then he felt he actually did with her. An odd pairing, yes, but a great one nonetheless. They became best friends. Somedays, they’d go drive out to the middle of nowhere and get high while Eddie spilt out all his guilt. She’d rub his head and tell him sweet things that made him feel better. She was his ride too and from school, and his first choice friend. His only friend, really. Her friend group at school didn’t really like Eddie, and much to Sarah’s dismay, he didn’t like them much either. He was alone at school, but that didn’t matter. Nothing did anymore.

As soon as they parked, she turned to him with sorry eyes and frowned.

“Can’t give you a ride home today, Eddiekins.” he hated that nickname.

“Don’t call me that, bitch.” he grumbled. She smiled.

“Hot hookup?”

“Hmm, kinda I guess.” She shrugged. “Nina from church. Were still tryin’ to figure some stuff out.”

“That’s okay. It’s a nice day outside. I’ll just walk.” He said , stepping out of the car. He met her at the front of the car as she leaned against the hood. It was sunny and bright, a good day. 

“Okay. Thank you. I owe you for this.” She said, laying her head on his shoulder. 

“Yeah yeah whatever. I gotta go.” He said jerking his shoulder up so she’d move her head. 

“Love you Sare-Bear.” he giggled. 

“Love you too, Eddiekins.” She said, going the opposite direction. He really did love her.

He walked into the school in his usual route, schedule in mind. Right to the west lockers, grab his books, head to home room, and then continue with the rest of his day. It was unflawed. He got his work done, good grades and could still enjoy his time with Sarah. Everything and everyone else could go to hell. And it was all his fault.

When Eddie arrived at his locker, his stomach did flips. He stopped dead in his tracks, causing glares to be shot at him. At his locker, were none other than the Losers. All of them. Patiently trying to open a locker right beside Eddie’s. Their lockers were on the other side of the school, so this didn’t make any sense. Why were they here? What were they doing? Eddie slowly walked over to his locker, eyes fixated on the lock as he fumbled to get his books and get out of here. He was gathering his things, ready to sprint to Mrs.McManning’s class until he felt a small tap on his shoulder and froze. He turned around slowly to see Ben waiting for him to speak. He saw them all, each more beautiful than the last time he saw them, which happened to be 4 years ago to this day. He’d seen them around town from a distance of course, but never like this. He avoided them at school, and for reasons such as this. They all looked at him expectantly as he drank in their features.

Mike was tall and bold, his arms toned from all his farm work and football practices. His eyes were still kind and gentle, as was his soft smile. His skin was shiny and smooth, his white t-shirt and jeans making him look as stunning as ever.

Stan stood there, tall and somber. His hair had gotten even unrulier and the fading scars still masked his face. His hands stuck in his pockets as his eyes flicked around the room. He was quiet, yet still the blut, kind and sweet kid Eddie knew him to be. They were barley kids anymore, though. He was wearing his letterman baseball jacket paired with his Sperrys and new jeans. A slight punch to the gut, if you asked Eddie.

Bill stood there, smiling shyly. His eyes still swimming with bravery and walkman headphones around his neck. He was wearing a mauve windbreaker and dirty white converse. His bag was sagging off his shoulders, with stories no doubt. He’d won every short story contest his school had held, and wrote for the school paper. He was truly amazing at it. He rocked back and forth and fidgeted with the simple silver band around his middle finger as he mumbled something to Stan, who nodded. 

Ben stood there shyly, smiling an awkward smile. He had lost so much weight and had joined the track team, giving him slight muscle and a fit body. His eyes still filled with hope and he was just as soft spoken as before. He wore his track hoodie and some jeans he could tell Bev patched up for him. In his hands were poetry books and a list of assignments waiting to be knocked off. The organized bastard.

Bev stood beside, as he realized why Sarah was basically in love with her for the better part of freshman year. His hair was at shoulder length, still it’s fiery red. She wore a faded queen t-shirt that once belonged to Ben, tucked into her jean skirt. She wore a pair of converse, covered in dainty little drawings and markings. She wore a simple gold “B” chain around her neck and her cigarette stash was peeking through her handmade backpack. Her face was flushed with red cheeks and freckles, making her radiant. Behind her though, stood the most beautiful of them all.

Richie Tozier. 

His face had gained a sharp set of jawlines and cheekbones, and more freckles than Eddie could count. His glasses were now a thin wired pair instead of the klucnky ones. His hair was even curlier than before and just as much of a mess. He was easily the tallest, and so goddamn skinny. His fashion sense was a mess, wearing a Coca-Cola shirt underneath a vibrant windbreaker. His black Vans were ripped apart basically as he observed the matching bracelets they all wore. A small silver band with an “L” charm attached.

“Childish” he thought. So childish. But why did he feel left out?

“Uh, Eddie?” Ben asked again, snapping Eddie out of his trance. He looked around again, eyes settling around Ben.

“Yeah erm- sorry.” He mumbled. “Whats up?” Ben dug into his pocket and handed him a small piece of paper. A timetable, Eddie looked at It, confused, until he saw that Ben just happened to be in his homeroom. Great.

“My classes got switched so uh…” He trailed off.

“This your new locker?” Eddie asked, pointing to the one beside him. Ben nodded. Eddie’s head began rushing as Ben’s voice became drowned out by Eddie’s spinning head. They were all looking at him now, expecting an answer. By the time his head was done swimming with thoughts, he mumbled a quick  
“Excuse me.” And pushed through Richie and Bill, walking briskly into his classroom and collapsing in his chair.

“I told you you guys should’ve let me handle it.” Ben snarled, crossing his arms and leaning against his new locker. “I just need to know where my new classroom was.” Bev joined him, hooking her arm around his.

“He can’t ignore us forever.” Stan huffed.

“He’s doing a pretty damn good job of it.” Mike replied.

“It’s not our fault.” Bill said. “He’s the one that did what he did. He’s the one who left us.”

“Guys, I’m telling you his mom was the one who-” Richie started

“No, Rich.” Beverly cut in. “He’s disobeyed his mom before, and if he cared about us he’d do it again. He’s messed up.” She said leaning into Ben. Richie rolled his eyes.

“If you guys let him explain, then maybe you’d get it. So don’t be assholes.” He snarled as he walked away, disappearing into the crowd of students. They all sighed, waiting in the busy hallway for another 5 minutes, not wanting to see Richie. The Eddie Incident, as Bill had dubbed it, destroyed Richie. No one knew exactly what happened, but it caused Eddie to ultimately destroy his friendship with the group. Richie tried over and over again to try and get them to understand, but it was clear that they just wanted to protect him, and Eddie had no intention to come back anytime soon. Richie would get irritable and sad whenever the topic was brought up, still so clearly hung up on the boy. They hated to admit it, but a little part of each of them was too.

Ben eventually kissed the top of Bev’s head as he began walking to find his class. They all disbanded, thinking of the exact thing that got them here.

\-----------------

School was a blur for Eddie. Visions of the losers and all their glory ringing through his head. The moments they spent together, the secrets they shared, and most importantly, Richie. God, Eddie needed to get over him. Why couldn’t he! He’s more than sure Richie’s moved on by now. He had to too. 

He thought about how Stan played baseball and wore that jacket like a a badge of fucking honor. He was smug about it, cocky even. Eddie hated it. He thought how Bev and Ben were together, but Bev’s eyes still seemed to drift in Bill’s direction every now and again. He thought about how much happier they all seemed. God, he hated himself.   
The day went by slowly, and the universe was clearly not in his favour. The sun began to fade and by the end of the day, what was supposed to be a nice walk home turned into a downpour of rain. Eddie stood at the school entrance, silently cursing himself for not checking the weather before he left. He watched as fellow peers ran to their cars or pulled out their umbrellas to stay dry. Eddie mumbled about how stupid everything was and how soaked he was gonna get until a familiar voice called his name.

“Eddie!” He turned to see Mike in his red pickup truck, window rolled down.

“You need a ride?” He asked. Eddie groaned as he felt himself run to the truck and yank the door open, crashing into the passenger seat slightly wet. Mike looked at him with kind eyes as Eddie mumbled a small thanks.

The drive was relatively silent and awkward, the only noise being the pouring rain on the truck. Eddie sensed this, so he broke the silence in the worst way possible.

“The others would have a bird if they knew you were driving me home.” 

Mike chuckled as he pulled into Eddie’s street.

“Everyone but me and Richie, sure.” Eddie froze at the comment, a million questions racing through his head. He turned to Mike as he pulled in front of Eddie’s house, parking the car. 

“What do you mean?”

“Look Eddie,” Mike said, looking at him with a serious face. “None of us hate you. Don’t get me wrong, what you said was awful but-” He paused, hesitating. “Me and Richie know that you didn’t mean a single word of it. The others, not so much.” 

Eddie winced.

“He still cares for you, even if you don’t think he does. He’s still stuck, Eddie. We all are. We miss you.”

Eddie’s eyes began filling with tears. He looked at his feet as he got out of the truck into a small drizzle of Rain.

“Mike, that’s great but I was an asshole. You shouldn’t have me around okay? You know that.”

Mike nodded as Eddie shut the truck door. He walked around until he was facing Mike, the windows down.

“Thank you for the ride, I appreciate it.” He said, smiling sadly. Mike smiled back, reaching in his pocket to hand him something.

“I was gonna give it to you this morning but uh, just wasn’t a good time.”

It was a small piece of paper with writing on it , one that Eddie couldn’t quite make out.

“I’ll explain it all then. Be there, or jack shit will change.” He said before driving off into the rain. Edde walked until he was under the porch, the dim glow of the lights illuminating the note. It read:

“North Corner Dinner, 11:00, Saturday night, don’t be late - Mike :)”

Eddie groaned as he pocketed the letter, only to hear the familiar salm of a car door interrupting his thoughts. There stood Sarah, smile wide on her face and eye’s bright. 

“What ya got there?” She asked, smirking. Eddie shot her a glare. She nodded her head as she asked him:

“Wanna get high?”

He didn’t need to think twice.


	8. As The Years Pass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi lovleys! i hope you enjoy this chapter, it's the longest by far. I assume there will be about 3 more chapters left, and everything is planned out. constructive criticism, kudos and comments are appretiated :)
> 
> (also check out my mutli chpater fic's collection with amazing multi chapter fics by talented authors!)

Richie’s lips were pressed in a thin line as he occupied the makeshift bed in the clubhouse, arms crossed and eyes glued to the dirt floor. It had changed since then, replacing juice boxes with gin and hiding their cigarettes and occasional weed stashes behind that many movie posters adorned on the wall. It was still the perfect getaway for everyone, a safe haven they visited often. It was the subject of many conversations about life, escaping Derry, and everything that came with it. The only thing was ever since Eddie, the hammock remained empty. The first aid kit was removed from it’s dust collecting spot, the cherry cola supply dwindled and the mixtapes stopped playing. Sure, it was still the warm Losers Club they’d all loved. Family. But there was an icy spot where Eddie once was. Richie really couldn't forgive him. He wanted to, he tried of course, but he couldn’t. He felt deep down that what Eddie did was truly Sonia’s doing, but as the years went on, he realized something.

Eddie Kaspbrak was an asshole.

But that didn’t stop Richie from being… Richie. He kept his grades up, his humour only got more and more vulgar and he didn’t stop loving his friends. His relationship with his parents had become more open and he was living the teenage life! Biking around in the early hours of the morning, smoking up a storm in the clubhouse with Bev, having sleepovers, sneaking through windows, and was overall a pretty happy kid. Although, being happy is relative these days. If his parents asked if he was depressed, he’d say the normal amount about normal things, although that isn’t true. His life, the meaning of it all without him, his friends, his whole life was so good right now. He didn’t want it to change. That and the anxiety of knowing that they're all getting nightmares, they're all getting older, that Stan is struggling, that Eddie is gone. It started eating him up the day Eddie walked into the club house and said what he said. So scratch that, Richie did things that made him happy for 10 minutes, and then he’d go back to pondering what the point even was of living. He’d seen his friends without Eddie, they’d survive without him surely. He wasn’t a happy kid. But his mom and dad always told him, because they always knew, that things would get better if he reached out. A hand would pull him up. He didn’t dare ask them for it though. He was gay, already a dissapointment, no matter how many times his parents would tell him otherwise. What also didn’t help was Ben and his god forsaken locker switch and Mike insisting they all go. They all go and see Eddie. If they hadn’t maybe Richie wouldn’t miss him even more. Maybe he’d even start seeing someone, hooking up? He didn’t know anything these days it seemed like. All he knew is that Eddie Kaspbrak didn’t want him because he was dating Sarah Wallace. He wanted her. And that's why currently, the losers sat around him as he silently stared at the ground, refusing to go home.

“Richie, hun. It’s pouring and cold. You can just come home with me.” Bev said as they all sat tightly together. Richie didn’t want to go home because his parents were gone for the weekend, meaning he’d be alone with his thoughts. Not a good idea. The losers were all open with their struggles to each other. They all suffered some severe PTSD of course, but other than that Mike and Ben were pretty okay. Bill was still dealing with his survivors guilt, Stan was in therapy after the face incident, but only Richie knew it wasn’t helping. Bev was also in therapy for her father, and she was doing a lot better. They all supported each other no matter what, no secrets. 

“No. I don’t think your aunt would appreciate someone other than Haystack staying the night.” He grumbled.

“Richie, last year when you were shit faced drunk, you ranted to my aunt about how Johnny Depp was so hot you were gonna melt. You tried to get into our fridge. I think she knows i’m not your type.” Bev said, as everyone, including Richie chuckled.

“The clubhouse is only a last resort sleeping grounds, Rich.” Ben said. They put in the bed afterwards just in case someone needed to escape for the night, mainly for Eddie. He hated it. Richie hated sitting on it even more.

“I should’ve stayed home after school.” He mumbled again, making Bill sigh.

“Shut up Richie. We would’ve been more concerned if you didn’t come with us.” He said, stutter completely gone. It had been gone for years, but still impressive nonetheless. 

“Please, Richie. Go home with Bev.” Mike pleaded. Richie didn’t move his body, he sat there, frozen and not cooperating with the suggestions his friends were offering him.

Bev sighed, annoyed, and decided to probe him on the other factor contributing to his grumpiness. “Now, wanna tell us the other part?”

Richie looked at them all. 

“I told you, just not having a good night.” He said.

“Bullshit.” Stan deadpanned. “It was Eddie. What did he say to you?”

Richie felt his face get hot, tears stung his eyes as he stood up and yelled at them all. He felt a rage he’d never felt before, one he recognized as jealousy, hurt and longing for a boy he still loved.

“He didn’t say shit, okay? I am mad because you guys refuse to acknowledge that he only did what he did because of his mom. And I still love him so much and he loves another girl and I hate myself for feeling this way!”

They all flinched as he spat and were silent, until Stan spoke softly.

“He outed you to us, Richie. You didn’t want us to know and he told us. That's a terrible person.”

“Look I know.” He said, sitting back down on the bed and burying his face in his palms.

“But admit it, if you had a mother like that, controlling every fucking move you made, you’d be under her spell too. You’d do whatever she wanted in fear that she’d,” he paused.  
“Hurt you.” Bev stood up and sat beside Richie, rubbing circles on his back. 

“But he still used me, and he still makes me feel like….” Richie was sobbing now, thinking about how he was still deeply in love with Eddie. But how Eddie didn’t feel the same. At all. They all gathered around him, embracing him. 

“You guys only know the bad parts of it.” He said choking back tears.

“Only his mom and…. He said he loved me when we were alone. I felt like he truly loved me.”

“Yeah, but would someone who really loved you ever out you, when you weren’t ready? Would they use you like an experiment? C’mon Rich you deserve better than that.” Ben cooed. Richie nodded.

“I still miss him. Before he went all crazy.”

“We all do, Rich.” Bill said. “He’d hate us being in the clubhouse in the rain.”

“Or swimming in the quarry after my baseball games.” Stan added. “He’d hate it even more.”

They all laughed solemnly. 

“Do you think he’s changed? I mean, when’s the last time we talked to him about more than school?” Bev asked.

“You’d know, you and Ben are the only two of us who have classes with him.” Mike said.

“Yeah, but he’s dead silent the entire time. No difference from middle school or any other school year.”

Mike nodded.

“Trust me, he’s changed.” Richie said. “A badass drug dealer girlfriend? He smokes weed now too.”

“No way does Eddie smoke.” Bill laughed.

“Well good sir Billiam, he indeed does!” Richie then proceeded to tell them the story about how he saw Eddie rolling a joint underneath the bleachers. He was too scared to ask him to beat it from what was usually Richie’s smoke shop, but the story ended up making the others dissolve in their laughter.

“I miss him.” Bill said, giggles peaking through every now and again.

“I do too. I really do.” Bev replied. 

‘He’s just not the same anymore. And I just would need… time to forgive him. That's all. I don’t even know if I could forgive him.” Richie started. He looked around to see if they all agreed, which they seemed to.

“If we want him back into our lives, it needs to be slow and we need to be careful.” Stan stated.

“And he needs to apologize and explain himself. No deal if he doesn’t.” Ben said. 

“What if we realize he’s not our Eddie though?” Bev said, a sad cloud covering her eyes.

“People change, always. They grow and become shells of their former selves. Of course he’s different but… I don't think we need to worry too much.” Mike said. Everyone stared at him as he made the philosophical statement.

“Jesus Mikey, how’d you know?” Richie asked.

“Wild guess.” Mike smiled. The atmosphere soon became quiet and cold as they all sat around Richie, silent. Finally, Bev stood up and wiped the dirt off her jean skirt, turning to Mike.

“You drive here Mike?” She asked. He stood up and put his arm around her shoulders as she leaned into his touch. 

“You know it.” He smiled in that specific Mike Hanlon way. They all stretched upwards and Bill pulled Richie up from his spot. Richie had a slight smile on his face as they all climbed up the latter into the soft woodland ground. They all half walked-half ran to Mike’s truck and climbed in. Mike drove as Richie sat shotgun, with Stan and Bill and Ben in the back, Bev sitting on top of Stan and Ben.

“Y’know Ms. Marsh, that isn’t quite safe to be playing around with your boy toy’s in the back of good ol Micheals car here!” Richie said as Bev laughed.

“Shut up Richie, or I’ll sit shotgun and you can go sit in the wet truck bed dipshit.”

Richie chuckled as the ignition started. Mike asked them all where to drop them off, Ben saying home as expected and Bill asking to drop both him and Stan off at the Denbroughs house. Richie peered at Stan through the mirror, only to see him blush. He smiled a knowing smile. Beverly managed to get Richie to stay the night, so that was where he was headed. 

The group slowly dispersed one by one, each leaving with a kiss on the cheek from Beverly. Finally, they pulled into the parking lot of Bev’s apartment complex, Beverly climbing over the seats so her head was in between the two boys. 

“Thanks Mike.” She said, pecking him on the cheek and climbing out the truck.

“Stay safe, Rich.” Mike smiled. Richie nodded his head and thanked him as he got out of the car, and Beverly linked their arms together.

The Marsh’s apartment had become a warm, welcoming environment ever since Ms.Marsh had moved in and taken care of Beverly. Susan Marsh was nearly the spitting image of Beverly herself. Bright blue eyes, long reddy-brown hair and a gorgeous figure. She was kind, laidback and one of the only trustworthy adults in Derry, alongside Maggie and Went. She was single, which shocked all the losers considering what a catch she was. Whenever it was brought up however, she’d always wave them off with a laugh and insist she was just fine being independant. 

As Bev and Richie walked into the apartment, the smell of french toast filled the air. Upon walking into the kitchen, a plate of cut up strawberries, a pitcher of syrup and icing sugar adorned the table. Richie smiled wide.

“Hey Auntie.” Bev said as she leaned in to give her a kiss on the cheek.

“Hi darling.” She smiled as she scooped up the last of the toast and put them on a plate. She waltzed over to the table, setting down the food before noticing Richie awkwardly standing there.

“Uh, hi Ms. Marsh.” he chuckled. A warm smile spread across her face as she pulled him into a tight hug. 

“It’s good to see you again, Rich.” She sighed, her eye’s full of love. “Will you be staying for dinner?” She asked as she turned to Bev. Bev nodded and gently pulled her aunt away giving Richie a look that said:

“Can I tell her?”

He nodded yes. While Bev and her aunt talked in her bedroom, Richie set the table like the good guest he was until he heard the soft creek of Bev’s door open. Susan looked at him kindly, and gave him a sympathetic smile.

The rest of the dinner went by nicely, with Richie cracking voices and jokes and Bev telling her aunt more detail about the loser’s master plan: University. They’d all decided to go to different schools in L.A. and buy a condo in the same apartment complex. Mike’s grandpa was selling the farm anyways, and L.A. had many different courses and opportunities for them all. There was a med school Eddie would’ve loved, he would’ve been a good doctor. It hurt Richie’s gut to wonder if he still wanted to be a doctor. He had no clue. 

Richie had tried to offer to clean up but Bev nearly punched him if he even came close to the sink. He floated around the apartment, looking at the new plants Susan had clearly just bought, the paintings she did when she wasn’t working at the diner at the edge of town hung up proudly on the walls and the pictures of Elfrida Marsh scattered around the room. By the time they were finished, Bev grabbed his hand and they spent the rest of the night talking about everything and nothing all at once, listening to music, smoking on the fire escape and planning their lives together.

“God, I can’t wait to design a suit for your wedding Richie.” She smiled, her dress sketches scattered on the hardwood floor. Richie stared at each one in awe. 

“Well m’lady” Richie started. “I’m afraid I won’t be having a wedding” He smiled sadly. She scooted over to Richie so her head was in his lap, his hands stroking her hair.

“We're gonna get him back, I promise.” She mumbled.

“What if he’s not worth it?” he asked.

“Then we’ll tell him to fuck off. But I have hope, even if it's just a little.” 

Richie sighed as he lay against her bed. She was right. If Eddie hasn’t changed that much, then letting him back in would be a slow yet somewhat easy process. So, I guess you could say he had a little bit of hope too.

“You still love him?” She whispered as Richie carded through her hair.

“I’d love him if he was a space clown that ate kids, Bev” 

She chuckled. “Beep-Beep. But seriously, would you want him after what happened?”

He thought about it in no time. Of course he’d want his Eddie back. He knew deep down that he’d never mean what he said. Eddie wasn’t a vile asshole. Yet still, an unsettling feeling swirled around his body.

“Bev, as much as I want him, he’s straight. He’d say so himself. Of course I want our friendship back but he’s too busy swapping spit with Sarah Wallace.” Tears pricked at his eyes as he let the words fall out. He felt Bev shift.

“Not everything is as it seems, Richard.” She said before her breathing slowed down and eyes fluttered shut. Richie sat their head weighing on his own shoulder. Those words rang in his mind as he drifted off into a dream, where Eddie Kaspbrak wanted him back.

\--------------------------------------

Saturday nights were almost always spent in the Denbrough's basement. Zack went on a little shopping spree that came from guilt and sadness that resulted in the best finished basement between all of them who had a basement. Zack and Sharon’s parenting had improved slightly since the death of Georgie, but that only seemed to work when they were around other families. It wasn’t physically abusive, but they neglected him, making him feel inferior. This resulted in Bill going to therapy that no one had paid for. The losers promised the counseling company they’d pay them for all the sessions before they all left for school. There is no upside to neglect, but the shift in attention from Bill made it easier for his friends to stay over whenever they pleased. This night, sleeping bags were spread throughout the carpeted floor, except for Stan’s, who seemed to not bring one. They spent the night watching countless horror movies, eating junk food and sipping cheap beer. They weren’t drunk by any means, just warm and fuzzy. Richie and Bev managed to sneak a few smoke breaks before the wind got too chilly and their fingers were as red as the cigarette itself. Eventually, the losers had succumbed to sleep. Bev and Ben were all wrapped up in eachother, snoring softly. Mike wasn’t there in the first place, saying he had to spend the night finishing up some final adjustments before they talked about putting up the farm for market. Richie took the couch, since no one was using it, and fell into an awful sleep. Tossing and turning and letting his long limbs fall all over the place. What didn’t help, is that he heard a ruffle of movement. Being on edge since the clown wasn’t unusual, so he was alerted once he heard it. He slowly picked up his glasses to adjust to the darkness, to see something he’d thought he’d never see. Stan and Bill stood in the corner of the room, making out. It wasn’t sloppy or lustful, but soft and smooth. Bill’s hand rested on Stan’s cheek and they slowly pulled apart, smiling at eachother. Without saying a word, they slipped into Bill’s sleeping bad and laid there, content.

Richie felt somewhat disappointed. Stan was his first best friend, how come he didn’t tell him? Richie flipped over to his back as a million thoughts raced through his head. He was happy for them sure, but he couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous at their happy-

“Rich!” A voice whispered. He sat up straight and looked around to see the others peacefully asleep. Panic began to settle in until he looked out the small window in the corner of the basement to see none other than Mike Hanlon waving at him vigorously. Richie nearly ran over Bev as he stumbled to the window, confused.

“Mike what the fu-”

“Meet me in Bill’s room, now.” Mike said before speeding off. Richie slowly walked upstairs until he reached the main level. He peered over to see Zack and Sharon passed out on the couch, an empty glass of wine and a photo of Georgie sitting in front of him. Richie was sympathetic for them in that moment, until he remembered where he was supposed to be. He fast walked upstairs, his feet softly landing on the carpeted steps. He slowly walked into Bill’s room only to see Mike climbing through the second story window. Richie had grown out of that. He came into the room with a small thump.

“Mike, I thought you were working on the farm!” Richie whisper shouted. Mike smiled a shy smile.

“I uh, lied about that.”

“No shit” Richie scoffed.

“I went to meet up with Eddie.” Mike said, eyes focused on Richies. Richie’s blood ran cold and his heart was racing, a sweat tearing down his face. 

“W-what?” he whispered out.

“I wanted to hear his side of the story, so we met up at the diner.”

“And?”

“And he wants to see you.”

Richie’s world stopped. The only person he’s ever fallen in love with, who outed him and used him, who Richie now knew nothing about, wanted to see him. He looked at Mike, who’s eyes were on fire.

“It was never like it seemed, Rich. You need to go see him. Let him explain.”

Beverly's words rang in his head, nearly mirroring Mikes. 

“Okay.” was all Richie was able to croak out. Mike handed him a small slip of paper, with all his information.

“I gotta get back to the farm, just thought you’d need to know.” Mike said, walking towards the window. Richie grabbed him and pulled him into a tight hug whispering a:

“Thank you” in his ear.

“You need him. It’s the least I could do.” He said before dropping out the window. And 2 days later, at 12 in the morning, Richie Tozier sat atop the Derry Middle play structure and watched the brunette boy walk his way.

“Can we talk?”


	9. The Hard Part

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This is the third to last chapter, the last main chapter being written and an Epilogue afterwards. I appreciate all the love on this series and hope you enjoy! Comment and kudos appreciated.

Eddie walked up to Richie, the cool air nipping at his exposed hands and face. Richie sat on top of the slide, gangly legs hanging down as he straddled it. Eddie stood below him, leaning on the fire pole and staring at him in a diagonal direction. Richie nodded slowly, pursing his lips. Eddie took that as a yes.

“I wanna explain why I did what I did.” Eddie said, eyes fixated on the sandy ground. He heard Richie scoff.

“Why you outed me? Jeez Eds, thought you were just over your experimental phase and decided to tell all of our friends I was a dirty fag. They took it well though, don’t worry.” He snapped bitterly as he lit a cigarette, eyes piercing through Eddie’s skull. Eddie shifted under his gaze, opening his mouth.

“It wasn’t a phase.” He mumbled, causing Richie’s head to immediately shoot up, cigarette leaning limply between his teeth.

“I’m gay. Always have been. After my mom found out about us, she uh, forced me to go to a bunch of church meetings with Sarah Wallace. Y’know her?”

Richie nodded slowly.

“Anyways, turns out she’s gay too. We got along really well and are like, close friends now. She’s always hated the fact that I refused to try and reconnect with you all but, I didn’t sweat it too much. Until now I guess. I mean, I did, y’know, want to reachout. But after what happened I was 100% sure you’d all kick me away again. I would’ve done the same thing.”

Richie nodded again, silently offering Eddie a smoke. He reclined.

“You gonna say something dipshit?” Eddie asked, annoyed.

“You done your story?” Richie asked.

“No.”

“Then I’ll wait.” He said with a softness Eddie hadn’t expected to see.

“Uh, okay.” he mumbled, a blush spreading across his cheeks.

“So, go back to the day of the Incident-.”

“Ah, the incident,” Richie said, as if he just had a refreshing glass of water. Voice crisp, smile across his face”

“What's so funny?” Eddie said, scrunching up his nose in disgust.

“I dunno.” Richie shrugged. “I just knew, deep down, that there was something else behind it. I still hated you for it. Believed you were straight for all these years, still loved you no matter what,”

Eddie tried not to cling onto those words too much. Richie seemed to never notice.

“But I still hated you. Yet, I just had a feeling it wasn’t just you that made you say all that shit.” Richie said, dragging his cigarette across his hands.

“You're gonna burn yourself.” Eddie’s voice wavered. Richie didn’t care.

“My uh, my mom was outside the clubhouse.”

Richie dropped the cigarette out of his hands, landing into the soft sand. He was frozen.

“She told me that if I didn’t admit it was a phase, that you were, y’know, and that I was just “using you” then she’d call the cops on you for molesting her son. I couldn’t do that, Chee.” He said, the nickname slipping out as tears came to his eyes. 

“You aren’t, we aren’t dirty okay? It took me years to realize that but, we are NOT dirty! And, I couldn’t have you beaten up by the cops, or whatever the hell they were gonna do to you. So I lied. And I couldn’t get out of it. She made the wallaces drop me off and pick me up until Sarah could drive, she put fucking bars on my window, Richie. She controlled me. And I couldn’t leave. She moved her bedroom next to mine, so she could hear through the wall-”

“Holy shit.” Richie said angry, tears perking up too.

“Yeah. Holy shit. So, I thought by ignoring you guys it would help, it didn’t. It stressed me out more okay? So, I started getting high once in a while. It helped I guess. Not a regular stoner, though. The day you saw me, was not a good day.” he said, wiping silent tears from his face.

“Science test?” Richie asked as he slid down the slide, lank legs keeping him from falling.

Eddie’s eyebrows shot up.

“How’d you know?”

“Always stressed ya out in middle school.” he said nonchalantly. Eddie smiled.

“Nothing has changed, has it?” Eddie asked. Richie nodded his head.

“Stan plays baseball, good at it too. Mike works at the North Corner Diner with Bev’s aunt just for some dough. The rest of us are all waiting to get jobs when we leave for L.A., we’ve all saved enough. Everyone though is just the same. Oh! And Ben and Bev finally got together!” 

Eddie smiled. 

“What about Stan and Bill?”

Richie’s jaw dropped open.

“DUDE! They’re being assholes about it. We had a sleepover right? And I wake up to them playing tonsil hockey!” he exclaimed.

Eddie laughed hard.

“I could feel the tension, even back then.” He said.

“Yup.” Richie said, popping the P. “I think I might confront them, give them all the kissing tips I picked up from your mom.”

“Oh shut up!” Eddie grimaced. 

“But seriously, leave them be. We weren’t any better.” Eddie said. The wash of memories came back suddenly, the way things used to be. That snapped Richie out of it, moving towards Eddie.

“What school?” Richie asked quietly.

“I think NYU. Why?” Eddie asked as if he was afraid to know the answer. They were now an arms length apart. 

“Because, we have the L.A. plan, Eds.”

Eddie’s heart rang at the old name.

“No. You and the Loser’s have the L.A. plan. I know we talked about it way back but, I’m a loser. Not the Loser of the Losers club. I’m a nobody, Rich. And don’t get me wrong, I’d love to go but I don’t think I’d be welcome.”

Eddie turned cold as he watched Richie frown. 

“Can we sit?” Eddie squeaked, relishing in the closeness the two shared. Richie stared at him for a moment before lunging in. Eddie was pulled into a hig, tighter than anyone he’s ever received before. He leaned into Richie’s chest, his arms snaking around his waist. He started to cry, and before he knew it, Richie pulled back, using his thumbs to wipe away the falling tears.

“What's wrong?” He asked, concerned. 

Eddie smiled a sad smile.

“I just never thought we’d get back here.” He said tearfully. Richie looked at him with softness in his eyes.

“Well we're here. All is forgiven okay Edmund?”

“Ruined it.” Eddie groaned as he walked away.

“I’m serious, okay? Forget all that shit. You're still you. You're still perfect, Ed’s.” Richie said. Eddie turned around slowly and walked towards him, mind racing. He grabbed Richie’s hand and pulled him along. 

“It’s nearly two. Walk me home.” He said as the tears dried on his face. Richie didn’t have to be told twice. They walked in silence until Eddie spoke. 

“Sarah’s gonna be thrilled.” He said. 

“Yeah, well apologize to her from me because I stole the spot of best friend.” He winked. Eddie smiled slightly.

“You always were, Rich. Sarah was my close friend, yeah, but you were always my best friend. The losers too, but, you especially. Even Bill.”

Richie opened his mouth in shock.

“You mean to tell me Billiam was also your best friend? I’m offended, Spaghetti!” He cried. Eddie punched him in the shoulder.

“Fuck off.” He murmured.

It was like autopilot, the way they just talked and talked without thinking about where they were going. It was nice. Familiar even.

“So, I’ll just tell the losers what I told you and they should forgive me?” Eddie asked skeptically. Richie nodded.

“It will be a gradual thing I’m sure. I don’t think they're all too thrilled at me.” he said while looking at the ground.

“Spagheds, we all miss you okay? Yeah Stan and Bill aren’t too happy, but Bev wants to make up, so does Ben. If you stick to your guts and are just patient and let time heal things, it will all workout.” Richie said as they stopped in front of the Kaspbrak residence.

Eddie grimaced.

“I hate when you're serious. But your right.”

“That makes two of us, Eds.”

They stood there for a moment, drinking in each other's soft features. Richie broke the moment by pointing out the obvious steel bars enclosed on Eddie's window.

“How the hell did you sneak out with bars on your window?” He asked. Eddie pulled out a small key from his sweatpants pocket.

“I know how to use a front door, Rich. Maybe you should try it sometime.” He grinned. Richie looked at him, astounded.

“My window climbing days are over Ed’s. Don’t you worry.” 

Eddie chuckled softly as he walked to the front door, unlocking it with a small click.

“G’night asshole. See ya at lunch.”

“Night my knight in shining spaghetti. See ya at lunch.”

\--------------------------------

Eddie didn’t see Richie at lunch. He saw him first thing in the morning as he left his house. Sarah was running late, and Eddie was not in the mood for tardiness. He called Richie in a panic, something so familiar yet so foriegn at the same time. He managed to convince his mom in the frenzy that morning that he was gonna walk, considering the weather. She had disagreed, of course, but Eddie still managed to get away with the caper. He met Richie at their usual corner, a flood of nostalgia and hurt washing over him like rain. Other than Mike, the other losers didn’t have a car. He’d seen Maggie drop them off a few times, so when Richie rolled up in the Tozier’s car all by himself, Eddie was shocked.

“Where’s your mom, dickwad?”

“Lovely mornin’ to ya to, Ed’s.” Richie grinned. Eddie frowned as he climbed into the passenger seat.

“She’s sick today. I’m gonna skip last period to check up on her. Make sure things don’t get too outta hand.” He frowned. Last year, Maggie had a breast cancer scare. She was very high risk so Richie and Went were always nearby when she was sick. She didn’t have it, but at any moment it could hit. Richie was silent that week in February, not like him and Eddie were on speaking terms anyway back then.

“Oh I um-”

“Don’t say your sorry. It’s all good. Just a cold.”

Eddie fell silent.

“I’m sorry for bothering you with the ride today, but, uh, thank you.” He smiled. Richie returned the favour.

They had arrived on time, each going their separate ways in the building. There was an unspoken agreement between the two that they wouldn’t speak about how close they were to kissing last night, and that they’d see each other at lunch. That’s all. Eddie still had feelings for Richie, of course. But still in love? No. Just a schoolboy crush. He thought he was in love days ago, but he was wrong. So, it confused him as to why he spent all of that morning remembering how he felt in Richie’s arms.

\-----------------------------------

“So, that’s what happened.” Eddie finished as she picked at his fruit. Everyone but Mike and Richie were astounded. The Derry High cafeteria was small, so you could barely fit 4 people on a bench. Eddie was crammed between Richie and Mike, whilst Bill and Bev sat beside each other, followed by Stan and Ben. 

“So we were mad at you for nothing?” Stan gaped. Eddie shrugged.

“No, not nothing. I shouldn’t have said what I did and I ignored you all for like, 4 years so, you have plenty to be mad about.”

“Yeah, but you did this all so Richie wouldn’t go to jail, even though we all agreed he would someday.”

Richie gave Stan the finger. Eddie laughed again.

“Yeah.”

Beverly reached her hands out and cupped Eddie’s. Tears shone in her eyes like pearls.

“We’re so fucking sorry, Eddie. ” She smiled. He smiled a sad smile.

“Thank you,” he croaked “me too.”

“So, where do we stand from here on out?” He asked. The losers all looked at each other, a decisive look. A serious one.

“Once a loser, always a loser.” Bill said earnestly. “You good with that?”

“God, of course I am, it's just, things might take awhile to get back to normal again y’know? I’m not expecting it to all be forgotten right away.”

“Well that’s good, because we all still have some.. memories bout that day. But time heals everything. We’ve waited 4 years, why not wait a little longer?” Ben said. Eddie nodded happily. 

“So, what about Sarah?” Mike asked. Eddie beamed.

“She’ll be thrilled, trust me. She’s always been on my ass about making up with you guys.” They all laughed. Quiet conversation fell over the group until Mike spoke up.

“So, I’m picking up a shift after school today, why don’t y’all come down and maybe have a more private talk, hm?” he suggested. They all nodded.

“I have my mom’s car, so I’ll pick some of you fuckers up after I leave.” Richie said, taking a bite of his sandwich. 

“We’ll ride with Mike.” Bill said as he nudged Stan. Eddie noticed the slight blush that crept on Richie’s face. 

“Okay, so me, Bev and Eddie will ride with Richie. Sounds great.” Ben smiled. It was odd, how normal everything was falling into place. They still had lot’s to talk about, but it felt friendly. Welcomed. 

“Okay,” Eddie said standing up. “Just gotta tell Sarah I won’t be riding home with her. Be right back-”

“She’s not here.” Bev said. “I mean, at least not in homeroom.” Mike nodded.

“You said she was running late this morning, right Eds?” Richie asked.

Eddie felt a confused knot form in his stomach. Something was off, he knew it.   
“Yeah but I, uh, just assumed she’d be here. I need to go find Kev.” He said.

“I’ll go with.” Bill said as he gathered his things.

“Bill don’t worry-”

“No. I’m coming. Let’s go Eddie.”

They all looked at him concerned, Richie asking him to come back and give them an update once they knew what was going on. Eddie said yes, of course.

They walked into the courtyard briskly, knowing exactly where to find Sarah’s friends. They all sat on the side of the school, right across the parking lot. When Eddie and Bill arrived, they were all huddled near the payphone, hushed voices floating across.

“Kev!” Eddie called. The group turned away to face Eddie, and Kev Montgomery came rushing towards him.

“Eddie, Sarah’s in trouble.” He said.

“Yeah what’s going on, I figured you know.”

Kev looked defeated. 

“None of us can leave. Tight leash y’know?”

“She at home?” Eddie asked.

“Yeah.”

Eddie looked at Bill and nodded. 

“Thanks!” Bill back called as they ran back towards the cafeteria. They rushed into the losers booth just as they were packing up their cardboard lunch cartons and sandwich bags.

“What’s going on?” Bev asked. Bill was mumbling something to Mike.

“We don’t know. Bill and I are skipping the rest of the day. Can you tell Smith I went home sick, Bev?” Eddie asked. She nodded. 

“I’ll cover for you, Bill.” Ben said. Bill smiled. 

“Take the keys,” Mike said as he tossed them into Bill’s hand. “And be back before we need to leave for the diner.” Bill nodded. The bell rang. Richie grabbed Eddie by the shoulders.

“Update me later okay Eds?” He breathed out as the students began filing out.

“Got it, Chee.” He huffed as Bill grabbed his wrist and they ran to the parking lot doors. They rushed into Mike’s car and sped off to Eddie’s street. 

“Why’d you come with, Bill?” Eddie asked as they were nearing his street.

“You needed a friend. I guess I did too.” He said as he turned down Eddie’s street.

“Shit, what about your mom?”

“Grocery day.”

Bill nodded. They pulled into Eddie’s driveway and Bill sat and waited. Eddie got out of the truck and walked over to Sarah’s house. He knocked, and nearly instantly Mrs. Wallace answered the door.

“Oh my, Eddie dear! I thought you were someone else I’ve been expecting. Aren’t you supposed to be in school?”

“Spare,” Eddie smiled through gritted teeth. “I noticed Sarah never showed up today, is everything alright? Is she sick or…”

Mrs. Wallace looked behind her before shutting the door and joining Eddie outside.

“We found drugs and female swimsuit magazines underneath her bed, Eddie. She’s a homosexual were afraid. Did you know anything about this?”

Eddie gulped. Of course he knew all about this, but he could see just by bags littered in the hallway that they were kicking her out or something. He teared up.

“No, I uh, I didn’t. But please don’t kick her out, sh-she can stay with me if-”

“We're not kicking her out Eddie, we are sending her to therapy for her sins. I thought you were the priest at the door.” She chuckled nervously. 

“It was just marajuana, and only a slight amount. Could’ve been worse. Still concerning, however. She’ll be better off at a place to help cure her urges.”

Eddie gaped at her.

“What, yuh-you can’t do that! Her whole life is here! Can I at least see her?”

Mrs. Wallace went to open her mouth before a honk startled them both. She peered over Eddie’s shoulder and excused herself. She greeted the man, a priest, and walked him into their home. She walked back out and for a moment, Eddie heard the soft sobs.

“No, I’m afraid not Eddie. Look, she will eventually get mail privileges, and you’ll be the first to know when she does okay? I think it’s best you leave now.” She said and briskly walked inside. Eddie stood there, bewildered and keeping in tears. He rushed off their porch and waited at the side of the house as he watched Sarah walk out. Her hair was down and she wore a heavy cross around her neck. As soon as she was out of the driveway, Eddie sprinted to her and hugged her tightly. She hugged him back and whispered in his ears:

“I’ll be out soon.” 

He kept a tight grip on her until her father was yelling at Eddie to get off of her. He didn’t. This resulted in Eddie being pushed down by her father and Bill angrily coming out of the truck. He picked up Eddie and yelled something about assaulting a minor, then got back into the car. They sat for a moment until Eddie started bawling as he watched Sarah drive away. Bill held him tight as he sobbed.

“When my parents once caught me and Stan kissing, they threatened to send me where she’s going. Christan Oaks is called. Only reason I’m not there now is because it was too expensive. And were not even Christan!” He chuckled. Eddie looked at him.

“Your gay?”

“Nah,” Bill shrugged. “I like both, I guess. 50/50.”

Eddie smiled tearfully. 

“Thanks for telling me, Big Bill.”

“You’re the first.” He said as they back out of Eddie’s driveway. The car Sarah and her parents were in was long gone, and Eddie was still emotional.

“Wanna just sit in the school parking lot and eat greasy food?” Bill asked once they were on the road. Eddie nodded

By the time they grabbed their fries and burgers, they were drunk on catching up with old memories and laughter, a way to distract Eddie from the events earlier.

“Jesus, I’m eating this and we’re going to the diner after school?” Eddie giggled.

“Get a shake,” Bill said. “They’re fantastic.”

“I’ll take that into account,” Eddie smiled. “And about you and Stan? Richie knows. He caught you two at your house last friday.” Bill just nodded.

“I know. I told him like, a month before. Better me then Stan telling him.”

Eddie cocked his head.

“Why?”

“We all thought he liked Stan after you left. He looked at him differently, y’know? Was always with him. He was almost projecting his broken heart onto the person that would let him. Never confirmed it, but, we all kinda knew. And having another happy couple and he just watched from the sidelines? That shit hurts.”

Eddie didn’t move.

“He got over it in about 6 months, and nothing really changed. Stan never saw him like that, so that didn’t help much.”

“Well I think he’s over me too, so.”

Bill nearly choked.

“Are you fucking serious?” He asked. Eddie lunged forward to make sure he was okay. 

“Uh, y-yeah. Why?”

Bill sighed. 

“Whenever we saw you, from afar or wherever, he looked at you like you hung the stars. And even today, when you weren’t looking at him, he was looking at you. Dude, I’m pretty sure you're it for him. And if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re still stuck too.” He said as he crumpled up his wrapper and tossed it in the paper bag.

Eddie scoffed.

“I like him yeah, but love? I dunno. It’s been so long.”

“Then cut the shit, stop waiting and go out already.”

“Don’t you think this is all too fast?”

“Nope,” he said, popping the p. “In my humble opinion, we all needed this. Your friend got carted away to a conversion camp, Richie was on the verge of basically O.D.-ing and school’s just stressful right now. Take it before we all leave, Eddie.”

Eddie smiled at him. 

“Thanks Bi-”

“Sup fuckers!” The familiar voice of Richie rang through as he pulled into the parking spot beside them. Bill rolled down his window as the school bell rang and students began walking out.

“How’s your mom Rich?” Bill asked.

“All good. Wasn’t too pleased I skipped class to check in on her but I could care less. Eddie Spaghetti!”

“Not my name, Dick.”

“You’re ridin’ with me to the diner, right?”

Eddie looked at Bill and raised his eyebrows.

“I guess.”

He left the truck and climbed into the passenger seat as the rest of the losers came towards them, Stan and Mike hopping into the truck whilst Bev and Ben climbed into Richie’s car. Bev pecked Eddie’s cheek.

“Everything okay?” She asked while buckling her seatbelt up.

“Long story, I’ll explain when we get there.” 

Bev buried her head onto Ben’s shoulder as Riche gave Eddie a concerned look. Eddie offered a smile in return. 

“Mike’s whining cause he can’t be late,” Stan said through the open window. “Don’t run us over, Trashmouth.”

They sped away and Richie followed. Eddie thought about what Bill had said while Nirvana was playing and Ben and Richie sang at the top of their lungs. He smiled to himself, knowing he didn’t feel jealous, but instead happy Richie could move on. But when him and Richie made eye contact, the golden sunlight masking his face, a knot in Eddie’s gut formed. Bill was right. He was still in love, and he never stopped. And maybe, just maybe, Richie loved him too.

\----------------------------

“So she just kissed me, I kissed back and that’s how I knew.” Bev said while eating a fry. She was explaining the complex journey of her bisexuality to Eddie as they sat in a booth. Mike had gone home way earlier, dropping off Ben, Bill and Stan. Ben had a track meet early the next morning, Bill had to finish his short story and Stan was just plain tired. The old man. Richie sat beside Eddie, arm around the back of the booth.

“But this was before Ben, right?” Eddie confirmed. Bev nodded as she got up, adjusting her sweatshirt. 

“I’m going to the little girls room. Smoke break afterwards, anyone?” She asked. Richie nodded and Eddie declined.

“Funny, I heard you were a stoner, Eds.” She smiled. Eddie scowled.

“Actually, smoking weed is better then putting tar and shit in your lungs so I’m not complaining.” Richie laughed. So did Bev.

“Be right back.”

Richie slid out of the booth he shared to sit across from Eddie.

“How long do you have till your mom gets suspicious?” He asked while he finished up his fries.

“Until 9:30. Told her I was at a school thing,” He said. He used the payphone at the dinner just hours earlier. “Can’t believe we’ve been here since 4. It’s what, 7 now?” Eddie asked as he looked at his watch and nodded. He desperately wanted to bring up everything Bill had said. Why had Richie lied about not knowing about their relationship? But if there was one thing about Richie Tozier, it was that he hates confrontation. Eddie left it alone, feeling calm about where they stood. Moments later, Bev emerged and stopped in front of their table pulling out some cash.

“No,” Eddie blurted out. “Let me do this, please. It’s the least I can do okay?” 

“Eddie, really you don-” Beverly started.

“He’s not gonna give up, Bevvie. Thank you, Eddie.” Richie smiled sincerely as he grabbed Bev’s hand and they walked outside. Beverly was pouting as the familiar ring of the bell above the door chimed and they excited out. 

“You all done here, honey?” A waitress asked. Eddie jumped as she collected their plates and he sifted through dollar bills.

“Uh, yes ma’am, thanks. How much will it be?”

She looked at him before walking off with the plates and returning without them, towel slung over her shoulder and receipt in hand.

“$20.79, hun.” She smiled. Eddie began counting.

“You must be that boy Mikes been talking about for the last two years. Ethan, is it?” She asked. Eddie looked up.

“Uh no, Eddie actually.”

“My apologies.”

“What exactly has he said?”

“Just that his friend group hasn’t been the same since whatever the hell the “Incident” was,” She said as Eddie handed her the cash. She counted it then put it in her apron.

“But clearly something worked out so. I’ll miss the kid. You goin’ to school with em’?” She asked, Eddie shook his head and laughed.

“Uh no.” 

“That’s a shame. Four eyes never stopped talking about it.”

Eddie’s heart skipped a beat.

“Well, no need for gossip. Hava nice night sweetheart.” She smiled as she left. Eddie checked his watch, seven thirty, and pulled on his hoodie. He left the diner into the cool air and walked towards the stream of smoke from behind the building until he heard something that made his heart skip a beat.

“Get your shit together, Tozier.” Bev snapped.

“Beverly, he doesn't like me, what do you not get about that!” Richie cried all too loudly. Bev scoffed.

“Yes. He. Does.” She said. “Go makeout or something because the sexual tension is all too much for me. For all of us.” She said as she stubbed her cigarette out and turned the corner. She looked right at Eddie as she nearly bumped into him and said:

“Tell him I’m waiting in the car, and for gods sake fucking kiss him!” She whispered as she shoved passed him and beelined for the car. Eddie took a deep breath as he turned the corner to see Richie stubbing out his own cigarette.

“Hey, Eds,” He mumbled, sniffling slightly. “Did you hear our little mph-” Richie was cut off when Eddie lunged for him and kissed him violently. He pulled back and smiled at Richie, who was red faced and panting.

“Yeah Tozier, get your shit together.” He smiled as he ran for the car. He heard the crunch of gravel behind him as Richie ran after him, laughing like a maniac. Beverly poked her head out of the car and yelled a loud

“FINALLY!” Before starting the engine. As Richie grabbed Eddie from behind, whirling him around and placing a proper kiss on his lips, he tried not to think about how NYU rejected him, and UCLA accepted him. And how if anyone knew, this reconciliation was all for nothing.


	10. The Final Days Of Derry: Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woah, it's been a hot minute. I'm so sorry, I've just been dealing with massive writer block, but here is my baby! I've decided to split the finale in half for suspension, and i hope you enjoy. the second half is well underway and this story should be wrapped up by next week. Thank you for all the kudos and hits! comments are appretiated, now on with the show.

“AG you fucking kidding me!” Richie cried, his face flushed red.

“You were rejected from NYU, accepted to UCLA, the school every single one of your goddamn friends are going too, but you didn’t bother telling us, especially me! What the actual hell, Eddie.” Richie scoffed. He was mad, more than mad. Eddie, his boyfriend since April, the person who was the only one for him, the one Richie invited to come to school with all of his best friends, kept a secret that would change everything, from him.

“It’s not my fault I’m fucking scared that once we get there you guys will relize you never should’ve taken me back and leave me stranded!” Eddie yelled back. Richie recoiled. 

“You absolute ASSHOLE!” Richie screamed.

“We love you! I love you! I’m your boyfriend for god’s fucking sake. Why would you think that? Why couldn’t you talk to me?” He pleaded angrily.

“It’s not like you’d listen,” Eddie spat. “Always staring at Stan.”

Richie took this hard, and his arms flew up as he screamed again.

“WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT!”

“WHY WOULD YOU KISS HIM THEN, RICH? HUH?” Eddie yelled.

“I had bought a train ticket y’know? The second you guys left, I would be on my way to New York. I’d get a job before figuring out what the hell to do for school. I wouldn’t be ruining your dreams and weighing you down. You’d be able to date or fuck whoever no matter how much it hurt me. It wouldn’t have worked, okay? We would’ve backfired. That would hurt more in an apartment rather than across the country.”

Richie looked at him dumbfounded. They were both crying.

“You were my dream, Eddie. I wanted you.” He said.

“Then you shouldn’t have cheated on me.”

“When does UCLA have to know huh? Cause I know if you knew for sure you’d decline already.” Richie sneared, hoping Eddie would at least fess up to wanting to move to L.A.

“Two days. The letter is already mailed. I’m not going. Now get the fuck out.” Eddie said as he pointed to the door. Richie shrugged, crying.

“How come Bill and Stan got over this huh?” He asked as he leaned out the door frame. Eddie stared at him with cold eyes.

“Because, Stan wasn’t drunk, and he pushed you away. He didn’t want to kiss you. You wanted to kiss him, though. Now, leave.” Eddie said as he cried. Richie huffed in annoyance.

“This is actually technically my house, Eddie.” Richie said, drawing out the “Eddie” with pain in his voice.

“Go.” Eddie said quietly and Richie left the door frame, slamming it as he went. He jogged down the stairs and before he knew it, he was out the door and walking to Bill’s house. They were leaving next week, so they planned to have one more big sleepover tonight, and by the looks of things, Eddie would not be joining them. Richie cried silently as he thought of all the ways to feel better as his legs aimlessly carried him. A joint, maybe? More than a few drinks? He didn’t care. He just needed his friends. Friends that would understand. Friends that wouldn’t lie. Tears flowed down his face, his hands shaking. As he walked to Bill’s, his mind raced with the thoughts of that last few months that made him truly happy.

\---------------------------  
MONTHS EARLIER  
\----------------------------

Richie sat down at the lunch table, PB and J in a plastic baggie and dark circles under his eyes from the intense lack of sleep he suffered the night previous. He wore sweats and a baggy hoodie that smelled of Eddie, and his backpack was slipping off his shoulders with the weight of his homework inside of it. It’s not that he didn’t mind doing it, it’s just that he’d much rather run home and make out with his boyfriend, who became his boyfriend after an intense makeout session and long, serious talk in his car. 

Richie lost sleep that night, not because he was scared or upset, but because he was so happy. He was so excited for the next day. He was thrilled for his life now that Eddie was back in it. 

“Jesus Rich, what happened to you?” Ben asked as he sat down at the table with a loud thunk. The chatter of the other Losers came closer as they all sat down in their regular spots. Bill, Stan, Ben and Mike on one side of the booth and Richie, Beverly and the new addition of Eddie opposing them.

“Yeah dude,” Mike asked while chewing on a carrot. “The hell happened.” 

Richie tried to spit out some smartass comment in response, but was rudely interrupted by Bill when he asked:

“And do your hickeys have anything to do with it?”

Richie spat out a wet wad of his sandwich and turned bright red. Eddie froze beside him, turning a similar crimson shade. 

“Well, you uh, ya see-” Eddie started.

“As soon as we left the diner and I got dropped off at home, they sucked each other's faces off and decided to cut the shit and date. Right?” Bev asked coolly. The two boys stared at her in shock as the others laughed.

“How the fuck did you know?” Richie asked her.

“Hellen Keller would have noticed.” Ben said with a shrug. Eddie giggled at that as Richie sighed dramatically and put his arm around the smaller boy.

“Well, yes, me and Ed’s are dating now. So watch out everyone.” Stan backed up in mock defense.

“I have to say I’m surprised.” Stan said, taking a bite of his salad. Bill laughed at him.

“How! Could these two not be anymore obvious?”

“There are five hundred kids in this high school, and Eddie could have chosen any of them, but he chose him. Shocking really.”

Richie flipped him off as Eddie nuzzled into his shoulder.

“That still doesn't explain your lack of sleep though.” Mike said. Richie nodded as he swallowed the piece of bread in his mouth.

“I was just, really fucking happy, and excited ya know? I get to start fresh.” He smiled as Eddie looked at him softly. 

“And how do we know this isn’t gonna crash and burn?” Bev asked.

“Because,” Eddie said. “No more lies. We’re not gonna tell the whole world obviously, but we’re gonna stay honest. I’ve made up some pretty damn good excuses that should be able to get me the afternoon to be with you all, at least until graduation.”

“And when we graduate?” Ben asked. 

“Long distance,” Richie said. “I’ve saved up some extra mula that should be able to let me fly out once a month or so, for the first year.”

“Then I’m gonna try and transfer to UCLA again. Perfect my application, and be with you guys. If you want me, though.”

Bill beamed. 

“Of course we want you Eddie, why wouldn’t we?” 

The Losers all smiled brightly, their “L” charm bracelets glinting in the spring sunlight. 

“Any word from Sarah yet?” Beverly asked. Eddie shook his head.

“Nope,” He said. “She’s been there for all of four days, I don’t assume she’ll get any privileges soon knowing her.” 

Beverly hummed in agreement, then paused as she raised her milk carton into the air.

“I propose a toast, to the Losers club. And to new beginnings” She smiled. Bill raised his coffee Stan raised his milk, Ben and Mike raised their Sprites, Richie raised his applesauce and Eddie raised his water bottle. 

“To the losers club.” He said with a smile.

\----------------------------

The following months went by like days. Eddie had come up with enough excuses to get him out of the house, that he spent every second he could with the Losers. They spent days studying in the clubhouse, Saturday nights at Bill’s house, enjoying each other's company, and just living their life. And if you asked Richie and Eddie, things were perfect.

Maggie and Went were thrilled to have Eddie back in their son’s life. Richie became happier, and Eddie came around more frequently. He stayed for dinner most nights, the Toziers being understanding of his home life, and when he could, stayed overnight. This was a cycle that happened often, and made life a little bit easier for everyone.

Tonight in particular, was their last Sunday before graduation. Eddie had attended church earlier in the morning, which gave Richie time to thoughtfully plan out how this final week was gonna go.

The Losers had all gotten to UCLA by applying early, and that paid off in fact. Bev had managed to find a four bedroom apartment, instead of them living in two of them in the same complex. With the money from jobs, savings and just pocket change, the six of them could easily split the rent for the first half a year. Eddie was ecstatic to hear of this, but made no mention of the acceptance letter in his bedroom desk, or his living accommodations once he headed to New York. UCLA had to know before August third, and Eddie wasn’t quite why he hadn’t just said no yet. Besides, he said he would be transferring, right? But, instead of focusing on that, he focused on the feeling of Richie’s tongue in his mouth.

They were on Eddie’s bed, the whole house to themselevs, as Sonia was out getting groceries and wouldn’t be back for another hour. Eddie was straddling Richie’s lap, moaning softly. His hands were tangled in Richie’s hair as his hands were settled on Eddie’s ass. Their tongues intertwined inside each other's mouths. Eddie tasted like mint and cookies, whilst Richie tasted like cigarettes and artificial cherry. Richie groaned into Eddie’s mouth as his hair was tugged, and pulled off of Eddie with a quick smack, and relocated to his jawline.

“Chee, baby,” Eddie whined as he pressed soft kisses around his jaw and on his neck.

“No marks. My ma-” He choked out. Richie then stopped kissing and flipped them over so Eddie was pinned below Richie, emitting a small squeak from both of them.

“No marks, eh?” He asked, blushing. Eddie nodded his head.

“At least, not where she can see them.” He said. Richie froze.

“Y’know? I love kissing you Rich. I like it because it makes me feel powerful.” He said with a slight smirk. Richie began attacking his neck again, and Eddie fell silent.

“Eds,” He asked into his skin, voice needy. “Keep fuckin’ talking. Please.” He was wrecked. Eddie kept on talking.

“And I love marking you up, cause it makes me feel good.” He said with a thrust and roll of his hips that made them both exhale deeply.

“And, you marking me up must make you feel good. And I want it, bad. We jus needa be sneaky.” His voice was faltering now, slurring with pleasure.

“So,” He said, pushing Richie off of him. “Do your best.” 

He took off his shirt and flung it to the side of the room, and before Richie knew it, Eddie was only in his boxers. Richie swallowed as he noticed every single detail of Eddie’s body.

“Ed’s, I’m really hard right now.” Richie said. Eddie looked at him, dark eyes filled with admiration, and licked his lips.

“Lemme take care of that, hm?” He said. And before long, Richie felt a warm pressure on his crotch, closed his eyes and moaned a simple:

“God, Eddie.”

\----------------------------

They lay on Eddie’s bed so that Richie was the big spoon and Eddie the little spoon. Eddie squirmed around, becoming antsy and impatient. Richie lifted his head to see his boyfriend.

“What’s wrong Ed’s?” Richie asked.

“Don’t call me that,” He grumbled as he shifted to face Richie. “Did I do a good job?”

Richie chuckled.

“At blowing me?”

“Yeah.”

“Eddie Spaghetti-”

“Not my name.”

“Fine. Did you see how much jizz came out? That should tell you everything you need to know.”

Eddie gagged. 

“Gross.”

“You were the one with my dick in your mouth!” Richie cried. Eddie giggled.

“I know, but we’ve only ever jerked each other off before. This is a whole other thing. I’ve never gotten nor given a blowjob, so I don’t fucking know how I did.” Eddie snapped.

“Ed’s, baby,” Richie said. Eddie looked at him. “Sit on the end of the bed. Let me make it up to you, hm?” 

Richie began stroking Eddie on top of his jeans.

“Y’know, I love how you know how to make me crazy. When you get all dominante and shit, it’s a fucking turn on.”

Eddie was panting now.

“Suck my dick.”

Before Richie could do anything to his clearly wrecked boyfriend, the phone rang. Eddie sat up with a groan, his arousal outlined in his khaki shorts and walked into the hallway. Richie tried to listen as he examined Eddies room, for like the one hundredth time. The walkman and mixtapes all neatly stacked in a corner, his desk organized and a small first aid kit beside it, the poorly hidden baggie of weed and his bowl below his bed. He sighed with relief. Over these years, almost nothing had changed. Eddie had found a new way to cope with his anxiety, he was still a neat freak, still kind and gentle, still the person Richie fell in love with. He treated Richie with such love and tenderness. Sure, he'd lie more often to escape his overbearing bitch of a mother, but that wasn’t anything new. He often wondered if Eddie still loved him, or if it was just a crush. I mean, he treated him with love, that must mean he loves him, right? He didn’t want to know the answer. 

“Rich!” Eddie cried as he ran back into his room, jumping on his bed to face Richie. 

“What’s up?”

“That was Sarah.”  
Richie’s jaw dropped. Sarah had started writing Eddie last month, after she finally got her mail privileges. Her letters were lengthy, describing the all around horrors of conversion therapy, how much she missed Eddie and just asking him about life. She said she had survived fairly well, and was hoping things weren’t too hectic when she was gone. She detailed a friend she met that would sneak her weed and how she was basically falling in love with this girl named Camerom. Eddie just laughed.

When he wrote her back, explaining his reunion with the Loser’s, his relationship with Richie, and how he was still in love with him all these years, he earned a smartass letter that read:

“No shit, sherlock. I’m happy for ya.”

She really was.

They wrote often, about three times a month. The mail service wasn’t too bad, so it was a frequent thing, something that helped them both along the way. She was also the only person who knew about his L.A. and New York issue. She had simply told him to open the letter in the brown envelope she had sent him, when an emergency came up. It was a small envelope, with red letters on it instructing Eddie to leave it alone unless he needed it. It sat untouched and out of temptation in his closet.

“And?” Richie asked. Eddie just smiled.

“She snuck a phone call, just to talk to me. It was brief, yeah, but really nice.”

“She still the same?” He asked. Eddie just nodded.

“She said if things keep going well, they’ll evaluate her and by the end of July she should be home.”

“Wait, so she’s actually buying into that shit?” Richie asked bewildered.

“No, just damn good at acting. As long as they don’t see through her, it’s all good.”

“Well, tell her I say hi if she breaks another rule just to talk to my Eddie Spaghetti.”

Eddie swatted him on the shoulder, and then gently placed a kiss on his lips.

“I will.” 

Richie melted as Eddie turned around to lean into him, his chest to Eddie’s back.

“Still up for that bj?” He asked. Eddie shook his head.

“M’tried and ma will be home in like, half an hour. We should take a nap.” He said as Richie comed his fingers through his hair and rested his eyes.

“Amen, Eds.”

\--------------------------

The following week at school was more stressful than uneventful. The Losers didn’t have much time to hang out considering their difficult schedules. Beverly was skipping lunch, classes and leaving early all to walk home and finish up her prom dress she was sewing. 

Ben was stressed because he had about a million different promposal ideas, none of which passed Richie, Eddie, Mike, Bill or Stan’s judgment. Oh, and his girlfriend wasn’t eating again, because of the stress. Not good.

Bill was finishing up a short story due by mid July, as well as planning and decorating the school’s gym for prom. 

Stan was attempting to sew him and Bill matching ties with the help from his mom, and was very busy with the surplus of relatives staying with them for the week because of graduation. Relatives that asked Stan about his girlfriend, and had no idea about the boy's personal life.

Mike was finishing up a few things here and there at the farm, but mostly helping out Bev whenever he could and like Bill, was on the prom committee.

Eddie was stressed for all the wrong reasons. Richie hadn’t asked him to prom yet, his mom was only letting him go if she could chaperone at the dance, he was planning to say the three big words to Richie, again, and he was pretty sure he was having an allergic reaction to the cotton of his suit.

Richie was simply stressed because his graduation gift to Eddie hadn’t arrived yet. He hadn’t even thought about prom, because he just assumed they were all going together.

By the time Wednesday rolled around, Bev’s dress was sewn perfectly and hanging up in her closet. Ben’s simple yet sweet promposal was sitting in his backpack, waiting for lunch time to present itself. Bill and Mike had finished up for the big day, the gym decorated with light blue streamers, violet table cloths and a space themed photo area. The DJ was booked and caterers were called and paid. Bill had finished his short story, which was sitting in a small envelope on his desk, and Stan had completed their bow ties as well as escaped the clutches of his overbearing relatives. Eddie had somehow convinced his mom there were no more room for chaperones, and told her he was going with a nice christian girl from his chemistry class. It was a miracle that she believed him. His plans with the Losers were airtight and the only thing left to panic over was Richie.

Richie and the prom. Were they gonna dance? Was he ever gonna ask him? How would they look strictly platonic?

And to make matters worse, his mother just had to bring up Sarah for the first time since her original departure, the morning of prom.

“That Sarah girl hasn't been mailing you, has she?” She asked as she fixed her unhealthy plate of peanut butter, sugar and cinnamon compared to Eddie’s plain oatmeal on Thursday morning.

“Uh, no ma. She hasn’t.” He lied.

“I am appalled you ever associated with her, Edward. Did she attempt to involve you in her drug parade or hommosexual sins?”

Eddie bit his lip as anger rippled through his body. He dropped his spoon into the oatmeal before picking up his bag and walking to the front door.

“No, ma.” He said. 

“Good. We don’t need Satan's children like her around. And what time will this lovely young lady be arriving tonight?” She asked.

“Well, I’m just going to her house. She lives on the same street as the Toziers. Right across from them, actually.”

She furrowed her brow as she picked up her plate and Eddie’s full bowl of oatmeal, a frown plastered to her face.

“Well, I’ll help you get ready after school, and I don’t want you interacting with those no good, hippie liberal Toziers, you hear me?” She said. Eddie boiled with a silent anger as he opened the door and stepped outside.

“I won't.” He said as he left his front porch and walked briskly over to the Tozier’s house in the early morning sun.

He arrived and walked through the front door, like he did every morning and walked into the kitchen to give his boyfriend a kiss and Maggie a hug before she left for work. Instead of finding them in their regular spots though, he noticed them staring blankly at the TV in the living room. He heard sirens and a reporter's muffled voice before realizing there was a car crash. Went. Oh no.

“What’s going on?” Eddie whisper shouted. Both the Toziers whipped around quickly, jumping as they did so. Richie came forward and pulled him into a tight hug. Eddie leaned into the touch. 

“Is, uh everything alright? Is Went ok?” Eddie asked as he pulled away from his boyfriend. Maggie nodded grimly. 

“I’m afraid, Eddie dear, prom has been cancelled.” She said as she sips her coffee. Eddie’s jaw dropped.

“What!” He cried. “Why?” 

“Cause Eds,” Richie said as he leaned against the kitchen counter. “Greta Fucking Bowie is dead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greta dies canotically in the books, in a car accident. just saying


	11. The Final Days Of Derry: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !!TW!! MENTION OF SUICIDE

_“It’s been a while, I know jackass. After Greta’s funeral, things kinda went downhill and I lost you again. You left to live your life, I declined UCLA’s offer and went to New York, and that’s the end of our story I guess. When you were helping me pack, and you found all my shit, you had every right to be mad at me. I lied, and I’m sorry. I just wish you maybe understood a bit better this time. After the fight, and you shut me out, I opened this emergency package from Sarah, and inside was a list of advice she had given me about schooling. She was the only person that knew. She basically told me to follow my heart, and god I really wish I did y’know? My heart was saying to you, but I was too clouded by judgment to do anything about it. At least the others still call. They miss me, and yeah they were pissed, but they forgave me and look now. I’m still their friend. I wish I could say the same about you. Your parents still call to check up on me, because they weren't mad. I can’t even figure out if you being mad was okay because I hurt you the most, or it's just you milking it now. It’s been nearly a year, and no word from you. You were the only one who kept refusing to see me. I could’ve used you last month, at Sarah’s funeral. Everyone flew out to Derry except for you. Having to bury my best friend with a bruise from a fucking noose around her neck is the hardest shit i’ve ever had to do, especially when I felt I needed you most. She didn’t even call me before she did it, and when her mom called me, I couldn’t believe it. She felt so stuck, like she was sick, and ended it all. She hung herself in conversion therapy. I would give anything to see her again. I’m still depressed. About her dying, about losing you, and about how life is gonna be the same without you. I’m dancing around the truth, and that is that I still need you in my life. Whether it's platonic or not, because believe it or not, I still love you, I just want to hear from you again. And it’s starting to piss me off. And if you’ve moved on, great. I just want you back in my life. I dunno if Bill’s told you but I got accepted into another L.A. school for becoming a nurse, and I’m gonna be living with you guys, bunking with Mike. You're gonna have to get used to it. I know what I want now, and that’s a life with my friends, doing something I’m good at. And as much as I want you in it, your fucking loss if you don’t make an effort to be. I still wear my “L” charm bracelet from Bev, because I am a loser and always will be. Deal with it. I don’t know why I decided to write to you, maybe I’m tired or a little drunk now that I’ve stopped smoking weed and tried to find something that doesn't remind me of my dead best friend, but you will get this. You don’t have to read it, but you’ll have it. Sarah died because of her sexuality. I was nearly kicked out because of it. And you were the one person that made me feel like it’s all gonna be okay. It’s sad that I'm gonna lose that. I’m leaving in two weeks for you all, and I can’t wait. New York is great, but there's something about L.A. that makes me feel…. Special. There’s a bunch of other deep shit you don’t wanna hear about, so I’ll spare it. Eddie”_

\----------

_“Eddie, I’ll be waiting.”_

\-----------

_“Richie, I leave tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow. We have lots to talk about.”_

\----------

They went out for lunch after Eddie settled into the apartment. He felt a surge of happiness when he saw all his friends again, and when he saw how Richie looked into his eyes, he felt completed.

When Richie kissed him back at the apartment as the others went to get drinks, Eddie felt complete.

As Richie said a tearful apology as they stripped down and held Eddie tight to him, he felt complete.

When they held each other as they both cried, they both felt complete.

And then, after that night, life came at them fast.

They all graduated.

Some got famous.

Some got rich.

All of them stuck together.

The memories of a broken summer years back, like a faded dream

. And as Eddie cries as Bev and Ben say “I do”, as Stan and Bill bring home their newborn son, as Richie gets down on one knee, and as he realizes what lies ahead of him, he thinks to the last words that Sarah ever wrote to him:

_“To my forever love, I’m not sorry. The burden of living has become too much, and god, I just can’t anymore Eddie. But, you can. You escaped the torment, you found your way, so find a way back to him okay? You two were made for each other, so do me fucking proud. Be brave like I wasn’t, be a badass, and just be you. I’ve had the pleasure of knowing you for years, and I’ll be waiting. I will always love you, so much. Do what I won’t be able to do anymore. Live your fucking life. SarBear”_

And Eddie memorized those words until his last breath, which was taken beside his husband, hands clasped together, body’s against one another, the “L” charm bracelet dangling on his wrist as he shut his eyes and breathed out one last: “Night, Chee.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it has been fun, but here is the end. thank you all for the constant support. thank you for the love. im working on a one shot that hopefully will be better written than this. thank you. el


End file.
